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STOLEN SIXPENCE

Boys played a game in school
Stealing of pens no matter how
They called it, ‘tapping’ by name
Our fathers worked in far away land
Sending money for our books and fees
Some relished in squandering spree

I went home from school without a pen
Wondered what to use next day
I stepped into the room of Akpan Nya
The man of the house in father’s absence
On his table was a world receiver
And coins scattered in front of it

Loud sound blared from the transistor radio
Drowned the silent voice within me
The silver sixpence caught my fancy
With sticky fingers drawn to the table
My pocket was by six richer than before
And the dash to a safe place was swift

Alarm blew on the missing coin
And a wrong guy was accused
False finger pointing brought hot tears
More than the pains from a cane
My cousin wept and couldn’t be consoled
So he begged God to punish the thief

I stood there looking at his sorry sight
Guilt gripped my faint and frightened heart
As prayer of punishment reigned the air
This dark secret created fear in me
Though I was not caught or so-called
I prayed in return for God’s forgiveness

It dawned on me, from the pains I witnessed
That this was not the bad boy’s game
Of tapping or stealing of pens in school
And the charge, ‘Thou shall not steal’
Haunts me from then to this very day

I dread being around a thief
So that I won’t be suspected along
I hate tapping in what ever name
Knowing the pains it can cause
Get behind me all stealing rats
I learnt my lessons long ago

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

It really evoked that gut churning guilt of the child that's done wrong, and the guilt those of us with any empathy feel from the wrongs of others.

Now why do I call it prose verse? I think you know. It's about the musicality of the language. Now I would seldom suggest another poet use rhyme, mostly it is a limitation, but there are other factors you can manipulate. Do you read your works out loud to yourself? Please do. Listen for the meter created by the natural stresses placed on words. When we say-
The language is the same, only the emphasis is different
the stresses naturally occur as
The LANguage IS the SAME, ONly the EMphasis is DIFFerent
if we pronounce it as
The lanGUAGE is THE same, onLY the emPHASis is diffERent
it sounds utterly bizarre.

Then if we make a pattern of those stresses we have meter.

The mighty king foreswore his dreaded crown
The MIGH/ty KING/ foreSWORE/ his DREAD/ed CROWN.

If you choose similar vowels within a line you have assonance.

If you choose similar cononants within a line you have consonance.

With these 3 tools, meter, consonance and assonance I believe you could greatly enhance the prosodic values in your work.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

on the use of meter and rhyme. I love you, to say the least, especially on your analysis of my pieces. 'STOLEN SIX PENCE' tries to show how a young boy turned away from stealing and chose to be honest.

I like to join the workshop so that I can improve on my parchments. Please guide me on how to do it as my attempts lead me to nowhere. Do I just write and post or need a special registration?

Best wishes

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

but as soon as my next one starts I'll send you a Private Message and see if you want to participate,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I will be most grateful, best wishes

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

Jess's comments, saying that you are right on track with the sentiment. I also agree that you would benefit from a workshop on rhyme. Nice feeling to this one. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

thank you for the comments. I am glad you like this, best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment
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