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STARVING SOMALIANS
Emaciated bodies
Skin hanging on bones
Pity for being poor
Enzymes short of nutrients
Through years of starvation
Turned to feed on flesh
Skeletons roam the earth
This earth my brother
Scourged by heat
And lack of rains
Paradise turned to hell
Moulds of graves stretched
Beyond the horizon
Like beds of nursery
Depict a harvest
Of death by famine
Chattering drums beat
To rescue the dead
Late show of compassion
Mocks those who fed well
Where were their hearts
When things began to go bad
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Inspired by an article in an old manuscript, It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics
Comments
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-08-28 00:54
Your poetry lately is descriptive.
It lacks prosodic qualities and resolution. Try overt political subtext with subversive content.
This one works because of the short lines. Your other poems, that remained un-commented, on are prose, they need prosodic qualites to work.
cheers,
Jess
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