Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
EXCESSIVE LOVE
I saw you behind the sales counter
Joking and laughing with a customer
I said, this must be a nice man
The day I met you at the zebra crossing
You helped some kids to go across
I was convinced you were a simple man
That day you helped an old woman
Displaced from the queue by hooligans
You challenged, your bravery won my heart
When we met at the restaurant, I chose
To sit close to you and you smiled at me
Your honesty and goodness bathed my soul
Now living with you, I see a different person
Someone who does not want me to leave his side
Choked with so much detail and devotion
I pray you have money enough to take care of me
So that I will stop working to be with you
A housewife to nurse the kids who look like you
Your love is too much for someone like me
I feel like going, to be myself and be free
It is just too much, you are really difficult
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Favorite Poets
Inspired by an article in an old manuscript, It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics
Comments
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-07-19 08:43
I don't get YOU in this.
Have I completely failed to understand you in our years of poetic exchange?
Is this a work of fiction? If so, it may work for others, but not for me.
I don't think poetry is ever fiction.
Beautifully written though.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
t. reflexion
Wed, 2011-07-20 09:52
Cultural backdrop...
It might pass for fiction on one hand if the subtle voice of the woman seeking freedom is not heard, not from lack of love, but from its possessive claws, like that which makes a woman who loves work – the type we call white collar job. It can also step out of the realm of fiction when we take a typical scenario of a young woman complaining to the husband to let her continue to do her Bank job. Men marry University graduates here and order them to stay at home for many reasons, one amongst them is jealousy. The woman becomes a possession and part of the home furniture. It may be so, in that other men do not chase her. Thus, her interest, aspirations and self determination suffer and are nothing than belonging to the kitchen and making children. ‘Excessive Love’, though not a feminist campaign, seeks a level of freedom for the woman in love whose husband is rigid with his love for her and who wants to express herself in a world where male chauvinism and religious considerations make the woman an appendage or a second class. Thank you for asking and may be, I did not do well to bring out this sentiment. Best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentt. reflexion
Wed, 2011-07-20 09:57
Thank you…
My answer to jess, I hope will throw some light to the piece, good you asked. Best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentt. reflexion
Thu, 2011-07-21 03:02
Thank you
You got the message, obsessive/possessive partner!. I hope to express this sentiment in another version by using words that relate to this subject as its main theme. I appreciate your contribution, best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2011-07-21 05:11
Zebra crossing?...
Drop the word [shunting], just add [s] to hooligan[s]. I prayed; omit the [ed]. I know women like this. i feel bad for them. There are many women who are content to stay at home and just take care of the family, but there are others that never are. I applaud both. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
t. reflexion
Thu, 2011-07-21 06:09
Zebra crossing...
That is what we call it here, the black and white lines on the road. Those excess words are dropped, thank you. Really, there is nothing wrong on whether a woman wants to work or stay at home. The contention this write dwells on, is freedom to do so. Love is not the issue, but the excess of it which translate to inhibiting the partner. It re-echoes my earlier write, 'Crippling Love' Thank you and best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentviolet
Thu, 2011-07-21 20:56
Review..
I saw you behind the sales counter
Joking and laughing with a customer
I said, this must be a nice man
The day I met you at the zebra crossing
You helped some kids to go across
I was convinced you were a simple man
That day you helped an old woman
Displaced from queue by hooligans < from queue? maybe add 'the' so it doesn't feel so technical, especially since the rest is rather informal.
You challenged, your bravery won my heart
When we met at the restaurant, I chose
To sit close to you and you smiled at me
Your honesty and goodness bathed my soul
Now, living with you, I see a different person< no need for comma after 'now'.
Someone who does not want me to leave his side
Choked with so much details and devotion< here 'with so much detail and devotion' reads better. if you want to say 'details' you need to drop 'so much'.
So either: Choked with so much detail and devotion
Or: Choked with details and devotion
I pray you have money enough to take care of me
So that I will stop working then to be with you < 'then' does not need to be there and lessens the impact of the whole stanza.
A housewife to nurse the kids who look like you
Your love is too much for some one like me< i'm probably being picky but 'some one' could be smoother if one word: someone.
Inside of me I want to run away and be free <this feels like a mouth-full. Maybe re-work this line.
It is just too much, you are really difficult
The other quibble i have is the use of capitalization in every line. I understand that it is more 'uniform' and 'clean' but you don't need to adhere to that, especially when the point of writing is to push outside of the technicalities and put your own visceral mark on it.
The capitalization, i feel, interrupts the flow of each stanza, for eg:
(L1)When we met at the restaurant, I chose
(L2)To sit close to you and you smiled at me
(L3) Your honesty and goodness bathed my soul
L1 & L2 are supposed to run smoothly from one to the other/connect, whereas the capitalization in L2 prevents this. It feels like you are shouting almost at the beginning of each line. L3 is fine as it represents a new sentence. Maybe try this:
When we met at the restaurant, I chose
to sit close to you and you smiled at me
Your honesty and goodness bathed my soul
I feel it would help soften this piece immensely.
Hope this was helpful
xx
t. reflexion
Fri, 2011-07-22 03:06
Review update...
Your contribution is highly appreciated, odd letters and words removed, thank you. I have my scribbles mostly written with capitalization, I have noted this point and will try to adopt it in my subsequent writes and on this piece in due course. Thank you once more for taking time to read and comment on this scribbles. Best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentviolet
Fri, 2011-07-22 13:16
....
I only aim to be helpful. This is a good piece and i wish you the best x
x V x
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-07-22 03:10
like the revisions
I get it now
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry