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The Brick Sonnet

THE BRICK sonnet
The Wee Elf wants this mundane, "LIke a Brick".
My heart sinks, should I give my muse a rest?
Can mundane still be novel? That's some trick.
It's not just words in poems that may get stressed.
Although I'm slow, I'll try to write them down-
Those lines that flow unbidden from my gob,
I'll try to get them bouncing, metric, sound
If really good give up my daytime job.
Here in my hand I hold two common bricks,
Their purpose, to be part of someone's home.
Length, breadth and height are engineering tricks
Three heights, two breadths both equal length alone.
And thinking of a home for you, secure and warm,
I know my love will keep you safe from any harm.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Editing stage: 

Comments

And where exactly did meter break? Seems a sonnet won't allow a break but what do I know?lol........stan

Thanks for the input, stan. I suppose the last two lines are different to the rest because it's got delusions of grandeur. I'm frantically turd-polishing

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

author comment

14 lines does not a sonnet make

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

...which I bring up because it has haunted me. I will refer to line nine. "Here in my hand I hold two common bricks." Honestly, I do this all the time and I'm trying to go back and eliminate them from my big poem.

The stress is on "here". It is unnatural, though easy to do, for one to stress "in" which then folds into the iamb used through some of the poem. The meter in the bulk of the piece floated from one mode to another, but as Jess suggested we try, it did so comfortably. I had zero difficulty in allowing the meter to simply carry me along as it would.
"here IN..." required I force something. My first inclination (this is just me) is iamb. Of course it works better read as dactyl. I think some of MY problem comes from trying too hard to find a consistent meter and I only bring this tiny, picky thought because it has troubled me immensely in my big poem.
By the way, I think the poem is cool and...it works.
Thoughts?
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I guess I can back off stage while mumbling about regional accents. The really good classical poets were masters of their art especially in rhyme and meter. I am quite happy to write something that flows and let it be if I'm not jarred by the verbal potholes I sometimes fail to see.
I consider this to have been a very worthwhile exercise and would like to thank all those who have critiqued my stuff. In particular my wee friend the elf.

Ian

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

author comment

I like the poem, flows quite naturally out loud
and it's funny, great combination. You've shown
just how the stress points change in natural speech
patterns, and did it well.

thank you for participating Ian

Richard

a mostly regular meter with variations and made something ordinary interesting, and as a bonus extra, a rhymed sonnet. Bloody good work sir.

Now if you would just be so kind as to give me some feedback on the workshop, including suggestions for future workshops at
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-everyone
our work here is done

Thanks for participating and all your contributions, Ian,

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

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