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Love Victorious Evil Conquered / Chiche' Poem Rewrite
Guarding my love for you
it’s as hard as heck, when
trying to safely hide my feelings
from hardened jeers.
Keeping my emotions bottled up
Make’s me jittery, when
scorners insist on taunting me
about my lowly status.
This disappointing drama
is far too much to handle
left me gasping for breath
from the endless, stinging, outbursts.
The deriders’ sword of rejection
that my lover’s family aimed at me
touched my heart spewing blood
leaving me pessimistic.
Their numerous fiery words
like hot chowder thrown at my face
Caused my golden peace to dissipate, and
my sundry emotions to erupt.
Choosing to battle the iniquities, and
tread the waters of affliction
is like dancing on coals of fire
for the sake of our love.
Once love has dulled the senses
sex sends endorphins to the brain
removing pain of malicious memories
etched by lips of vulgar gossipers.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Author information
Region & Country
United States
Favorite Poets
Billy Collins, Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Whitman, Jess Tapper
Comments
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2011-06-28 11:35
Ian
thanks Ian. I appreciate your help. those typos a thorn in my side lol
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentBarbara Writes
Tue, 2011-06-28 11:36
Chrys
thanks i have learned a lot lol
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentraj
Tue, 2011-06-28 14:24
Barbara
a very narrative poem which brings out the emotions to the surface....
i am not sure if cliches other than those listed for this workshop can be used in the re-write or they no cliches are to be used in the re-write...
would "too much to swallow" be a cliche? i am not really sure...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2011-06-28 15:47
raj
i didn't think about that, thanks for bringing to my attention
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2011-07-01 12:00
Workshop: Cliches and Their Uses
Dear Barbara,
Very nicely done! Your personality comes shining through.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Barbara Writes
Fri, 2011-07-01 23:04
Thanks Cat
thanks for commenting
I was hoping it would glad you see it
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentlou
Fri, 2011-07-01 12:20
Barbara
it is well written prose style poem.
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Barbara Writes
Fri, 2011-07-01 23:17
thanks Lou
Thanks for commenting. I don't usually think about the form I'm writing. i just write and hope for the best. not because i don't want to ,but because i don't know or remember writing form, style like i would like to. I was attempting to write in prose and one time, but got confused for some reason. So i just do me and glad it turn out to be prose. Chyrs cliche is really helping wit my cliches
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentHooded Stranger
Fri, 2011-07-01 14:55
Barbara
Barbara,
I don't often read your work, don't know why, no excuse, just I don't very often. And what a damn idiot I have been not to. This is a really good poem and the rawness in the words really make the reader want to keep reading.
I have sneeked off and read some of your other work too. I can only apologise for not taking time before to read you...you do have a wonderful technique with your writing and I have become a fan overnight.
Keep it up my friend.
HS
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Barbara Writes
Fri, 2011-07-01 23:20
thanks HS
better late than never lol
glad you read me and became a fan. i am still learning.
being different can be very hard at times
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
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