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Storm Tossed...

Limbless trees ashore, echo the spars puncturing slate grey clouds of sail
Racing with monster white capped waves of leaden green

The heaving motion of rain swept deck
Undulates beneath my feet, like a twisting serpent

Smashed against jagged rock, the sea scatters into needle spray
Brine stings the eyes, and crawls the skin

Breath labors heavily
Yet there is exhilaration in the moment

Defying the power of Neptune
I shout out obscenties

Barren land is visible, through my glass
I claim it as my own

Wrenched from the gods, it suits my purpose
I will exile my conscience here...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Thank you all for the suggestions in giving the first lines more depth, and clarity.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Raw emotion and brave, bold descriptions! I do love a good storm and can flow along with it. This is the kind of piece that stirs a persons blood. I cannot pick out favorite lines because they are all so vibrant, but the ending is killer! I have no suggestions, only appreciation for the work.

Love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

a dream, where I had been exiled to a bleak and forbidding land, reached only by sailing a stormy sea. i didn't know what exactly I had been convicted of, only that I felt I was blameless. So when I was made to be left there, I was determined to make it my own, and never to capitulate to the forces that had marooned me on that hostile, bleak shore. ~ Thanks for the read, and the gracious comments. ~ Love ya, Gee

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author comment

trees, puncturing the billowing, slate grey clouds, signified two things. Firstly, the landscape that I spied through my telescope, and secondly, the masts and spars of the ship I was sailing on. I welcome such suggestions that might make this clear. Thank you for the well wishing, ~ Gee

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that it was or would be clear, what I was trying to symbolise. I think that I will wait to edit this one, until I hear from some more people. Maybe someone will have an idea to make the trees more closely resemble masts. Thanks for the read, and great comment. ~ Gee

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for even mentioning me in the same breath as Tennyson! No, the intent was not the same, but I do admire Tennyson's work. It is spare, but so visual and he defines description in so few words. i love the power of storms, they are one of the most powerful forces of nature. Unbridaled energy, immutable force. Thank you for the read, ~ Gee

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Raw fury of nature and protagonist both well shown. From above I see you're seeking ideas on 1st stanza. Maybe something like :
Old tree trunks aboard and far
puncturing billowing slate gray clouds

Just an idea..............stan

work on that! Any idea coming from you in describing nature, deserves a good look. Thanks for the read, and suggestion, ~ Gee

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I think, change nothing, it's perfect the storm jumps off the screen. And the sailor's relief at sighting safety is tangible. Great poem. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

I made a couple of changes, but I don't think it hurt the intent. As a matter of fact, I think they give it a little more strength. ~ Gee

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the people that offered suggestions. They were the ones that helped make this what it is. I just manipulated their ideas, until I had a better piece of work. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Gee

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I knew you would come up with a better solution than my suggestion................stan

for the confidence. I really appreciate the comments and suggestions that you make, and always take them into consideration when I edit. ~ Gee

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