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Parroted Vent
`
There are no strings -
feel free to check it out,
ignore the mechanism
that moves my jaw about.
Watch me mouth words,
listen with an open ear,
this dummy has a voice
loud enough for all to hear.
There are no strings -
except the chains that bind
release those stoppers
to free that stubborn mind.
`
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
This poem received a couple of somewhat valid suggestions at another site. Just wondering if there will be a consensus after going through neopoet. I expect it should be a good ride.
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-02-24 06:51
You speak for me
sometimes I wish to sew my mouth shut.
But then again... I am Jess
The poem needs redemption. Perhaps an extra line or verse,
perhaps
"you need to hear it"
or
"the words come from a higher source"
(but that sounds a bit religious to me. )
or
"I said it because you are a fuckwit"
definitely lose the word dummy. It says stupid and inarticulate, which you are clearly not.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
crypticbard
Thu, 2011-02-24 07:28
Aye, it is
but one that has remained in the rough. Redemption has indeed been its only salvation.
There indeed seems to be a line or so lacking, perhaps as yet unspoken.
Pardon the clatter in the workshop... this poem may yet emerge a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. :-)
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author commentloved
Thu, 2011-02-24 19:09
You ain't alone When I am here
this dummy has a voice
loud enough for all to hear
u said dummmy
i read
DONKEY.
loved
crypticbard
Thu, 2011-02-24 22:27
haha!
Donkey but not an elephant! Tee-hee!
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author comment