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Çaço, Man of the Morning Star, protasis, p.1 Harsh, b.1, canto 4

Canto Four ~ It is Crone’s Day and Gundhag’s dead carts arrive at the bastions of Garland Legion on the southeast wall of the capital city of Laurá Luné.
She carries with her the infant boy wrapped in rags. The wounded men upon the carts are in greater number than is her custom in bringing to the details of healers that now pour forth from the walls of Garland Command, the largest and chief of legions in the empire. It would appear she makes a point.
Abandoning her cart, she orders a serviceman to bring General Alcroft. Knowing he will be refused, she begins to make her way inside to meet with him acknowledging the General’s fretful eye above in the Tower Watch.
The wounded man the young, graceful boy had been aroused by is attended to by a Nurse’s Wife. They are the bulk of the medico’s work force and distinguished by their uncommonly clean, white gloves.
As the man is carried past the boy, the nurse is swiftly, efficiently murdered. The man is taken; the guard is handed off as one of the injured and the boy leaves with his prize.
General Alcroft orders that the witch be stopped before she reaches him. Upon turning from the window however, he suddenly finds himself alone with her. His guardsmen lie incapacitated on the steps outside as he attempts to deal with the stench and fear of her. Although she jokes with him in her way, the witch’s treatment is anything but cordial. The animosity she demonstrates is tangible. His apprehension is more so.
The combat losses of two days past are not, in her perspective, acceptable and she makes clear her intentions to have it changed. Her function within the hierarchy of the city’s command structure is not entirely apparent, yet as always she insists on having her way. In this case, that Colonel Cridge be given the necessary men and supplies needed to pursue the conflict. It is far less an order than an undisguised threat.
However, after she has left him, his very private thoughts allude to a course long followed that no longer can be altered. The General has made a coward’s pact with Death. Though in fear of the witch, he yet will not abandon his plans. He trusts himself implicitly and has always understood his nature. General Rory Alcroft is a True Coward. This knowledge and his ability to use it to advantage make him a very dangerous man indeed.

Canto Four

‘Tis now Crone’s day, six morns ‘til Harsh.
Cold rains boil mists throughout the marsh.
On city streets the hungry seek,
so cold and quiet, hidden, meek,
scarce food and shelter for their young. 5
On dawn days hence all hopes are hung.

Encamped upon the higher hills,
ensconced between mud flooding rills,
the walls of Garland Legion stand
with waters run off bastions grand 10
that in the drear and gusting pour
seem somewhat less grand than before.

Though twenty miles to south, the Host
stands pitched in battle round its post,
its leaders wait in comfort fit 15
for those in old alliance knit
to keep thru bonds, held taut by grace,
positions safe and power’s place.

As some crows fly direct in rain
the distance there and back again, 20
from soft command to dying men,
is easily within their ken.

However, down upon the ground,
in hills the rain and wind can pound,
one’s travel taken at the tramp 25
is deeply trenched and gravely damp.

Yet if perchance by cart one goes
then time allotted grows and grows.
Commensurate with what one hauls
the journey made is slow and crawls. 30

So when Gundhag and her bare boy
are seen at last, ‘tis little joy
expected to be heard from her.
Though always seeming on some burr,
such often times her strident mood 35
is dangerous. It does no good
to argue then should snapping bark
seem worse than bite. Not on a lark
her snarl to test. Each can be cruel.
To push her hardly seems the fool. 40

As surgeons and their aides~de~camp
see coming up the hillside ramp
the carts and wagons queued behind,
the vast majority soon find
another place they’ve right to be. 45
Unless of course they’re meant to see
to soured witch and proffer aid.
For such the sum’s niggard that’s paid.

Reports of conflict far from field
that small opposing force did yield 50
and casualties within a range
acceptable are not so strange.

Nor such the witch’s wagon’s fill
of wounded up the steep, long hill.
But guardsmen back upon the road 55
reported each one with full load.
The hag as yet had not relieved
the marginal (who no one grieved)
of chance for life. Such time is waste
spent saving those whom Death could taste. 60

Small columns of the guard fan out
as healers carry, fetch and shout.
As first of them arrive at carts
Gundhag slides from her horse and starts
her trek to fort with child in arms, 65
wrapped tight in rags to shield from harms.

“Alcroft!” She barks at first she sees.
“Bring his to me afore he flees!”
The Healing Guard begins to speak,
but she snarls first. “Is minded weak? 70
You fool! You tempt me. On now. Go!”
He turns and runs against the flow.

The graceful boy who serves the hag
stares after them while wrapping rag
he stole from wounded man behind. 75
His slender eyes, ‘til hard to find,
squint sharper still as though the rain
he’d squeeze from sight to fall again.

A healer comes with swaddled hands.
Steams rise from him, his hair in strands. 80
The nurse lifts injured man to back
and taking care to balance stack,
starts measured strides to hospice tent.
On past the boy his throat is rent.

The fingernails he keeps are long 85
and swiftly back where they belong.

Now, as the guard chokes out his life,
the soaked, white gloves of nurse’s wife
are stripped from him. He’s tossed along
the slowly moving train of strong, 90
quick arms who never questions ask
while serving their appointed task.

The boy’s tight arms raise up the man
who not before, but now he can
keep tenderly all to himself. 95
He smiles. He’s such a wicked elf.

~ ~ ~

Within the bastion high above
the field where men still push and shove
to bring such wounded that they own
(those in their hands whom they have sewn) 100
to front of service line that slows,
a man stares down. His anger grows.

The tiny figure weaving thru
the Healing Captains and their crew
moves ever swifter than he thinks 105
its tiny legs could~ then it winks.
She glares at him, eyes clear and pale.
White God’s the bitch makes him feel frail.

The smile she cuts him brightly shines
from twisting teeth that gold refines 110
then disappears beneath the walls
of forward bastion to its halls.

An aide steps forth from out the dark.
He sharply stops upon his mark,
salutes and so begins to speak, 115
when with raised hand and tight held squeak
that’s imperceptible in voice,
the aide’s relieved of any choice.

“Good Captain, send the nurse back down.
Remind him who here wears the crown. 120
The witch must wait on first floor court.
As I arrive have brought my port.
And Captain? Please, one goblet’s fine.”

With arm on chest’s diagonal line
the aide leaves with abundant gloss. 125
Salute to guard’s a subdued toss.

The man at long, thin window sighs
allowing moments with closed eyes.
Then gathering his war cloak snug
turns leather boots on molding rug 130
to find himself alone in room
with witch that reeks of rotting tomb.

The dead stench from her makes him reel.
He grips himself beneath his steel.
The fearful rage that raises bile 135
in moments will his mouth defile.

This foul effect she has on most,
if not quite all, the men at post.
She combs her hair with childless hand
addressing him a bit too grand. 140

“Good morrow gloried Lord of Some.
I comes to you first moment come.
Hag ask you guardboys not impede.
We make this quick. I’s babe to feed.”

Her hair rebounds due grease and weight 145
of remnants worn to decorate.
He stirs. Then shakes, though hard he tries
to hide from her what’s in his eyes.

“Just what in hell gives you the right?
You cross me, you’ll be hung tonight. 150
My Guardsmen best be dead at post.”
His color drains. He seems a ghost.

The short, grey witch waves thru the air
her broken stick with comic flair.

“To Hell and back I sent anon! 155
Poo pah, I joke. They is not gone.”

She laughs and laughing chokes on cud,
then spits a wad as black as mud.
His shoulder heaves against the door
prepared to find the locks and more 160
to hold it tight and keep him trapped.
It swings away. The men lay sapped
of will to stand or consciousness.
In time his will he must address.

At window looking down she turns. 165
“O Gen’ril, hag see fever burns.
I feel from here though window cold.
You lis’ten slow. I no be bold.”
His regal bearing dec’rative,
the General turns around to give 170
attention full to her as though
naught here was odd. All things just so.
Her grin teased wide can’t help deform
her face as bugs swirl round in swarm.

Small task, she thinks. Not for some time 175
has he made her work magic’s rhyme.
Still, cruel she is and such it was
that cruelty can as cruelty does.

Such image of her plays a part
more large than merely her cruel heart. 180

“O, mighty Alcroft look wisely
upons the lives I brings and see
that smallish there they numbers are
than those I leave way gones afar.”

He nods his head with dignity 185
in hopes (or prayer) the game will be
played ever as ‘twas played before.
He need now only seem the bore.

But as she steps from shadows back,
in her demeanor he sees lack 190
of ugly, impish, spiteful git
and sees instead a growing fit
of cold, hard rage drawn tight and lean.
His bowels speak to him clear and keen.

Contempt as vulcan mass now quakes. 195
A rising heat as fury wakes.
Then softly speaks she, softer than
Alcroft has ever heard a man
speak whispering at Death’s dim door.
A tone subdued he’s heard before. 200

When Death has come for him he’s sold
the lives of others. Hence, he’s old.
With Nightmare, Death leaves lists of curs
the man still owes. Gundhag’s harsh purrs
make Alcroft feel that she is come 205
so Death may now collect full sum.

“Too many lives be lost today.
If Seer claiming this right way,
I saying now~ it be damned wrong.
Be nothing here of Hell so long 210
you need kill many like this more.
If kill like this again, you door?
I lock and hide where no one find.
No matta’ who you kiss behind.

This fight like play act for some kings. 215
Throw men from stage as if they things.
Tall Colonel Cridge, he do this work.
Ah! See you eye! See you ear perk!

He slaughter, slay and kill again.
He pile upon his back you sin. 220
Fool feel this destiny his right.
Be wrong. It curse that trap in night.
His Clovis people, they be few.
They cling to woe. Be nothing new.
But Alcroft send brave men to die 225
then from they fears he hides to fly.
You give command, but take no risk
and toss they lives to wind as whisk.

It stopping now. No preen for king.
You give what Cridge need for this thing 230
and shut you mouth. Take credit none.
May be still live when he be done.”

And now her eyes are wide and bright.
Her pumpkin smile’s reflecting light.

She softly coos to child in arms. 235
The incongruence of her charms
can frighten as will her black arts.
She spits at him and so departs.

He blinks and does not see her leave.

Alcroft is not a man naive. 240
What weakens others strengthens him.
He cultivates an image prim.

With dread above the stair’s dark case
he feels fear crawl about his face.
So cold and rich and always sharp. 245
Thru all his spine pulled taut as harp
strings high and brash tuned near to snap.
The fear will soon come warm to lap.
It’s part of him. He lets it come.
The panic he can drown in rum. 250
Though dare he not ignore her threat
(the danger she can pose he’s met)
all’s come too far for him to veer.

He’s kept companionship with fear
all thru his days. Such is the lot 255
of coward’s lives. Of those who’ve bought
their way from Death and so submit
to that which is for coward’s fit.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Updated version for those with the fortitude to dare. Welcome Scott.
Editing stage: 

Comments

first 100 lines
1 decapitalize harsh, end line with comma
2 cold rain boils mists upon the marsh
3 on city streets the hungry, meek
4 with cold quiet hunger seek
6 ....days from which all hope is wrung
10 change with to where
11 change gusting to gushing or windy
14 end with a period
18 positions safe, the generals' place
19 crows flying directly into rain
23 however, down on muddy ground
25 ...travel measured by each tramp
27 change cart to wheel
30 journey announced by asses' bawl
32 change 'tis to there's
36 ..., If she should brood
40 change hardly to sternly
43 the ambulances(or hearses) qued
47 change to to the
48 .....niggardly paid
49 .....far afield
54 .....steep winding hill (delete the)
56 each with a full load
65 change fort to citadel or camp
67 change at to when
70 is your mind weak
74 change wrapping to donning
81 change lifts to hoists
84 Passing the boy...

Will try to cover more before long..........stan BTW would not be reading if not interesting

Harsh is capitalized because it is a community event (rather horrendous, see Canto Fifteen) held every four years. It would be like spelling- easter.
If I don't comment, it's because I'm considering using it. So, in advance- thank you.
On 3&4 your suggestions robs me of meter. It's to be read as a faux medieval minstrel's tale, so that metrical rhythm is paramount to me.
I don't know, your six says the same thing. All of their hopes are hanging on Harsh a few days hence.
10...done.
11...Argh! After six years, SIX YEARS, and you find a typo?!
14..maybe. Those lines are all one sentence juxtaposing the elite of the military sitting in comfort while the army dies.
18....I thought I said generals when I referred to their "positions", but I will look at it.
19....The meter is wrong.
23....Okay.
25...I actually kinda liked this. It has a little tongue in cheek feel that was prepping for Gundhag's entrance which is always a little humorous.
27...Done. Very good.
30...I've never liked that line and your version is better, but for the meter. I won't cheat the meter. But you've given me a different direction to try to fix this at last.
32....This is worth your paycheck all on its own. I have done this elsewhere. You get to using these odd contractions for decoration and then don't take the time to say it without contraction where you will find your sentence MAKES NO BLOODY SENSE.
36....But Stan, that doesn't make sense with the next sentence.
40...I might, but I think you misunderstood the sentence. It does not say "To push her hardly." It says "Hardly seems the fool." Did you get that. Though if you missed it others might. Still, I don't write to make it accessible.
43....Hearses won't work with the meter, I didn't use ambulance because it had too "modern" of a sound, but I'm changing and with some extra anti depressants I think I will go with ambulances.
47...I will use it and here's why. When I first started writing this I dropped articles all over the place to cram to my meter. About four years ago, I grew up. I decided this can't continue. I
need "the" and such tomake real sentences. The problem is in the edit. Four years ago this thing was a third it's present size, but that's still a lot to hunt down and repair. The purpose of my telling you this is that when you come across something like this (a missing article) call me to the mat for it.
48...Done. and much the better for it. extra thanks.
49....Another one! Keep it up!
54...Three in a row! You should be writing this!
56....Meter again. I won't surrender it.
65....Citadel won't work the meter, but why camp? The place is the army barracks surrounding the capital city of Laura Lune.
67...But then it wouldn't be a complete sentence.
70...That's just how Gundhag talks. She's not like you and me.
74...I love it.
81...Ditto
84..Meter again

Well, that was fun. Your check is in the mail. Seriously Stan, that kind of stuff is the hardest to ask for and the most needed. Stick around please? There are sixty cantos to go.

Stan? Are you alright? You're turning green.
Thank you more than I can say
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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author comment

60 MORE !!!. When you said epic you weren't talking out the butt lol. I doubt that limited time will allow me to offer ideas on all of them, but I'll do so as I can. And I never expect all alternatives to be used, so no need to explain why you didn't/don't use something, after all its YOUR poem. .........stan

I will continue to respond to EACH suggestion anyone gives me for several reasons. The first is simple selfishness. I WANT the suggestion. They make the poem better and make me see things differently for other work on it. So, if I am to continue to get saints like you offering detailed suggestions, I must show you that I take it seriously and that I use it. I'm truly not here with my poem to entertain or stroke my ego. This is the most complex and difficult thing I have ever tried to accomplish (save maybe a piaffe) and I want help where I can get it.
Another reason to comment on each one is if you return and note what I have accepted, used or disregarded you will begin to learn what I'm looking for. I am (forgive me if this is unduly crass) training my editors.
As for you being able to help with all sixty canto (plus the 200 line alliterative poem "The Felling of the King", the children's verses in "The Learning Song" and one short story[unfinished]), don't concern yourself. I post very slowly so as not to wear out my welcome and you're not alone in this.
Now I have an odd favor to ask. If you can manage to stick with me through Canto Fourteen, would you be willing to give me some real thoughts on what you think of it as a whole? Not nuts and bolts, but as an adventure story. As a work of entertainment.
I can't say this enough friend, this sort of stuff is what I desperately need and desire and I know it's hard and time consuming and I thank you for it. Above and beyond Stan. Above and beyond.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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author comment

I think the only problem with this kind of poetry its too high brow for many readers. Its difficult subject matter, and you really have to be in the mood to take it all in. Its like Beowulf or Shakespeare you can't just pick it up, well maybe you can but not me. You can't let this cut you too deeply its our fault not yours. Keep writing brother.

John (If God Lived On Earth People Would Break His Windows)

First let me tell you I laughed out loud on your "close" line. "If God lived...
I don't laugh very often so let me say thank you. Tragically, I think the Bible guarantees it.
As for the poem, thanks for looking at it. I am not daunted. I have been actively tearing at this for six years now and showing no signs of slowing. I needed to comment about one thing you said though. Personally, I don't consider it High Brow. In fact I consider it so low brow I jokingly refer to it in files on my computer as my "Penny Dreadful Fantasy". In case you don't know what a penny dreadful is, in the 19th century in London there was a genre of books written by barely literate hacks and chewed out at high speed. They were sold on cheap paper in the streets for a penny. They were poorly written, full of crime, sex, murder, every conceivable atrocity that the low life might find curious. AND they sold like mad.
My poem is a romantic, fantasy, adventure that if you read it swiftly, not considering the poetry, just crank through (the poetry takes care of itself) you will find it moves fast, a little violent, outrageous and most important...easy to understand. It is not "serious" poetry by any means. It is wild and whooly fun. That's all. You will learn nothing from it. You're liable to lower your IQ by reading it.
If you're around and this site stays around, I will probably keep tossing them out in hopes of some feedback, however sparse. I would like to invite you to keep trying some of them and read them as I suggest. Fast. No thought to the poetry. Just let the context and punctuation guide you.
And then, by all means, come back and tell me if what I said was or was not true to you.
Regardless, thank you for acknowledging me at all.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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author comment

Those who read you
must have horses stamina,
as YOU ,
are a horse trainer.
Istan
my congrats to you,
some day perhaps
I shall be forced
to read too....

by LATE Istan! hahaha!

loved

However, he will be King. Not fair, but.....
My responses to these are out of order, so I hope they don't confuse. Remember Canto Six.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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author comment

After beginning mine, this doesn't seem as difficult as it used to be. :)

You really get into the details of things in this story - no wonder you have so many Cantos.

I thought the meter (look who's talking) in these lines went off:

more large than merely her cruel heart. 180

His bowels speak to him clear and keen. 194

I'm still trying to get the big picture. I guess it will take 10 more Cantos before I see the whole thing. Still, the detail you present really brings the story to life. It isn't like some that I've read lately...

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

...you've a ways to go.
The first story arc comes to an end in Canto Fourteen. Then we drop back in time about seventy years and set the present up. The story of Princess Claire (my personal favorite character... I'm allowed to be bias as long as I'm balanced) will consume all of Part One... and no... I have no idea how long past Canto Seventy Seven that will be accomplished. If I told you what I have plotted (how much I should say) you would never read them.

As for the meter... I agree. This is a problem that many poets deal with. This is what makes you a better "poet" than I am. The lines are grammatically correct as far as poetic form is concerned, but they don't "flow" very well.
Do they?
I discussed pace with you over at your monster. Your language creates such pace it even allows you to be grammatically incorrect from time to time and it not be noticed.

I'm not sure, but I think that's irony.

I can create pace some of the time and in the newer canto you might be surprised. Remember that even though these canto have been mercilessly edited over the last eight years... they are still originally EIGHT YEARS OLD. They poet has changed as have you just recently.

But this poet will never create "flow", "pace", "cascade" or any other colloquialism as you do.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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author comment

is "Laurá Luné" the same as"the life's lurien"?
I think it should to make a proper to the previous canto.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Laura Lune is the proper name of the capital and also the name of Lord Locke's wife who was lost in the catastrophe that brought about the debt of the Clovis (canto twenty five). Where on Earth did you see that name? I don't believe it appears anywhere in the first four canto, does it?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

I wrote it in the capitulare. The ongoing efforts of THE BIG EDIT have me a tad confused as to what happens when and where. "Life's Lurien" is the name of the land, but also the name of the two rivers together. One is wide and "as deep as the sea" with weather and sailing challenges as difficult as the ocean. It is sometimes referred to as the "river sea". The other is the River Lurien, a large, but more traditionally sized river. Realistically, they are the same body of water.
Just for fun I'm going to try to send you my map.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

Thought this is an accomplished work

Here is a link to those who are interested. It really adds fun to the epic.
http://www.mediafire.com/convkey/d380/669cnx81o4bt67i6g.jpg

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

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