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Retrospectively

When we
first met I didn’t think you were anyone special just
another bloke with blue eyes and testosterone. It was a hot
day I remember that. We drank beer and casually swapped
edited life histories but really I wanted to be alone eyeing
up the musicians through dust clouds of people moving from
tent to tent buzzed by flies odours of pizzas patchouli and sun tans.
All the young ones smoked behind the stages or huddled
together mostly bare flesh and tattoos exchanging tongue studs.
I sat just behind them a cheap stoner inhaling their breath
in love with the drummer in one band the singer in the other.
You were persistent which annoyed me but
I was charmed enough to wonder
if yours was a mouth
worth exploring

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Just experimenting with this one, which is fun...

Jenifer Jaspa James

author comment

And I could picture the scene

Thank you - it's so much fun to play with words/images/poetry/creativity isn't it!

Jenifer Jaspa James

author comment

Do tell us more lol
The whole scenario brings to mind a picture of a place I would rather not be..
Seems like Glastonbury (Where they hold the rock Festivals and it nearly always rains) on a bad year lol
Still the picture was interesting as to what some get up to when not working, Yours, Sparrow.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Hi Sparrow! Tell ME more! What were your adventures at Glastonbury? I had a good time there, slept under a parachute silk in a lovely smoky tent. My first festival - it was so good. Australia is really good at festivals (weather can be very, very hot sometimes, and it can rain and rain and rain. Good to take gumboots). A place you'd rather not be- now why is that? I love festivals, camping, all those eclectic people briefly not doing what they normally do, all those talented people picking up musical instruments and NOT being accountants or teachers or farmers for a few hours, just being themselves. I also love getting muddy and dusty and talking to strangers.

Jenifer Jaspa James

author comment

Come on it was started in the 1970's although I was working in Suffolk UK then, I never went to any of the raves, originally it was the Pilton festival and Led Zeplin were one of the first groups there.
I rather listen to music in comfort and as I was in the Royal Air Force at that time, and missed all the hype.
Then in the 1980's I spent in South Africa, and as you can guess by the 90's I was a little oldish for running around in the Mud lol
I really would love to go, just for the hell of it, but my Zimmer frame might get stuck in the mud lol.
I use to watch the Old Grey Whistle Test quite a few years ago and one of my favourite groups were "Deep Purple" I always thought they were at least 20 years ahead of their time.
My comment was just an example using Glastonbury, it has much deeper things as it is on one of the longest "Ley Lines" East to West that you can have in the UK There are many standing stones on the line and churches have taken the place of many stones, all linked to Europe etc: but that is another story.
I could maybe write a piece about those lines then it could be talked about lol..
You take care out there, the cooler weather is coming,
Yours Le moineau.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

You cougar ,you lol. Trying a bit of poetic prose huh? well it reads well in my opinion and the edited life histories reall rings true...............stan

Gosh you two! You make me feel cheerfully risque when I thought every body toddled around festivals listening to bands and smoking (other) peoples' dope. Love being called a cougar, Stan - makes me feel all frilly -never been called that before so very happy!!!
Anyway, moving right along - one of the things I want to do on this forum is try out different things - a lot of my poetry is a bit sombre. i want to have a go and different ways of doing poetry - even if it's not always fantastic, it's about finding a voice, being brave and above all playing with words to see what happens... love more comments, please I want to learn, learn, learn!

Jenifer Jaspa James

author comment

Just let your pen write then after sort out what you have written, as in auto writing.
Try the short Haiku's as they need concentration and damn good syllable count.
Acrostics:- just take any of our names and list them like
J
E
N
I
F
E
R
Then write a line for each nothing bad mind lol, but mainly join in the workshops the on going "Renga" of Barbara's needs some input.
Most of these things even reading and commenting is a test in poetry.
Good luck have a fun time, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

This speaks reality, always a good thing in
any write even if it's not. I love your voice and
your experimentation ... please do keep it up.

Thank you. i have taught adults most of my life and believe we all need to keep on learning, experimenting- just trying. I worry when I see writers become formulaic - one eyed in the way they write. it's so much easier to do that - but it bugs me when I think I could do the same.

Jenifer Jaspa James

author comment

Age is a funny thing - what people think is OK or not between generations. Mouths are wonderful - I work a lot with people who struggle with communication through disease, illness etc - and mouths are such erotic, powerful things. I love the use of studs and tattoos to annoy people - it's not new, I met a man in his 80's years ago who had a tattoo as a young man to irritate his dad. I think it said (something something) 'and valour'.

Spelling mistake - bugger, hate that! Corrected as I speak (thank you).

Jenifer Jaspa James

author comment
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