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imagery..Personification (positive Critique WS) #1
When the flowers smile,
my heart swings
and sways
then all the words
go silent.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Personification is giving human traits (qualities, feelings, action, or characteristics) to non-living objects (things, colors, qualities, or ideas).
For example: The window winked at me. The verb, wink, is a human action. A window is a non-living object
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
judyanne
Mon, 2012-08-27 11:54
rula this is an awesome write
rula this is an awesome write
apart from the personification of the flowers, which one can visualise very easily, the ‘s’ alliteration really adds to the gentleness of the write
and ‘all the words go silent’ – also personifying words is a magical touch
I really felt myself swaying with the flowers’ smiles and hearing hearts' song, and the sudden silence following was palpable. very effectively done - i think the continuation of the 's' alliteration had something to do with this effect
so simply written, but such great imagery
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Mon, 2012-08-27 11:40
one little thing
i keep getting confused too
but this is 'positive critique' workshop
'constructive' was the one we did with beau
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Mon, 2012-08-27 11:51
Thank you dear Judy
Done
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Ian.T
Wed, 2012-08-29 02:53
Rula
Is the flower the desert Rose?? lol
Very well done and as Judy said small.
You were short and I was definitely small.
See you in the next round,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Wed, 2012-08-29 08:45
hello
You have now shown why I should use personification more lol. And also packed a lot into a short poem...........stan
Rula
Wed, 2012-08-29 09:52
Thanks all dear friends
for the encouraging words ..I think this means I have passed ex.1 with flying colours..:)
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judyanne
Wed, 2012-08-29 10:51
lol rula
you have passed half of exercise 1 with flying colours
remember it is a two part exercise - writing and critiquing
- and you did well with the other half too btw
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 04:40
Love this, Rula
it has all the profound qualities of short poetry.
But my pet peeve, I hate centred poetry. It should be aligned left unless you have a bloody good reason for doing otherwise.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Thu, 2012-08-30 09:43
there is of course a bloody reason
I like it :) :)
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weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 11:33
Fair enough
but it demeans your poetry,
make it decorative rather than meaningful
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Thu, 2012-08-30 11:52
:))
Women like to decorate, look it from this side of view , but I shall take care of the decoration of my home and leave poetry without :( :)
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weirdelf
Mon, 2012-09-03 00:33
Fair enough, my dear
I find all decoration incomprehensible as a poet/scientist/ideologue.
If I was an architect everything would be boringly Bauhaus.
Thank goodness there are people who decorate or the world would be very boring.
But I still intensely dislike centred poetry, it reminds me of greeting cards.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
William Saint George
Thu, 2012-08-30 10:00
Nice poem Rula.
But is personification restricted only to "human traits"? How would you describe a device that gives traits of other animals to non-living objects. And vice versa.
example: "Her beaming face" or "The window cawed as it turned on the old hinge."
I hope I'm making sense. I can barely get the stuff I'm writing here.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
judyanne
Thu, 2012-08-30 10:29
personification
Attributing human characteristics to an inanimate object, animal, or abstract idea. Example: The days crept by slowly, sorrowfully.
your examples william are more perhaps analogy or contrast?
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Thu, 2012-08-30 13:02
or even, maybe
Synesthesia?
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
William Saint George
Thu, 2012-08-30 19:03
It's more analogy than
It's more analogy than synesthesia.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
judyanne
Tue, 2012-09-04 13:45
dear rula
beautiful alliteration with the ‘s’ sound, which I always find a gentle one
and this whole write is gentle, set off with the image of the flowers smiling
‘swing’ and ‘sway’, movement words using the ‘s’ sound again affected my senses – I close my eyes – I swing and sway
and the ending – that feeling of awe, that has no room for words
a thought for the finish – it does change the context slightly
‘then all sound
goes silent.’
but that is just a thought, as your finish is amazing and in no need of change
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
William Saint George
Tue, 2012-09-04 15:43
The imagery evoked by this
The imagery evoked by this poem was that of a calm, peaceful ending. The flowers come to me as a sign of ending life, or a hope of beginning life. In this poem, it assumes a meaning closer to the former.
The "joyous" bits of the poem come with the first to lines that end in a smile and a swing. They're like a brief ray of sunshine.
Then the poem quickly falls with a "sways", which aptly is a short line. It's like changing the key of a melody from a lighter to a darker one.
The last two lines wrap the poem up neatly. I liked her use of "words", as it comes to me as more related to a poet's life.
The very last line, also two words long, echoes the third one, and the feeling of finality ends there.
The whole poem is like running a scale and ending on the tonic. It's final and complete.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
Rula
Wed, 2012-09-05 03:50
Thank you William
That's indeed more that I've expected to be thought of such this short poem of mine but you and judy make me really feel proud for writing this little piece . Thanks again.
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BlueDemon77
Tue, 2012-09-11 10:49
Rula'a critique
I choose not to read the other critiques until after my own is submitted. I want the critique to be purely my own processes.
I find the poem erotic, or more exactly I find that what Rula is personifying is an object of active want. Her single reaction is for her "heart to swing and sway" when the flowers smile. I see a honeybee.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
Rula
Tue, 2012-09-11 13:01
Ron..Amazing how you've
painted your critique.It surpasses the beauty of my verses.I really like it.
Thank you
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BlueDemon77
Tue, 2012-09-11 18:35
The pleasure was all mine and of the workshop.
I LOVE YOUR VOICE!
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
Nordic cloud
Tue, 2013-01-29 03:02
I haven't yet read all the
I haven't yet read all the comments here, but want to add a wee note myself.
This is like the haiku type of poetry short
with a whole meaning in a few words.
Flowers smile,
my heart sways,
all words are silent
could even cut out all I suppose, but that's more like a haiku's essence of meaning.
Not to belittle the validity of your poem as it is, oh no, I love it, and will cherish it
as it is Rula.
where yours is full of happiness and joy at life and flowers ...
the one I made is full of other meanings maybe,
personal experiences hidden may come to life,
according to who reads it.
Love to you dear Rula.
Ann
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Rula
Sat, 2013-02-09 07:22
Anna
nothing pleases me than being paid a visit from a dear friend with such adds and comments.
Always appreciated dear
Love to you too.
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