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If there was a such a thing
Receive from which I can give
For you, none is held back
All exposed ,
Though none withered or cold
Because your love is ..
Well just that Your love
Unequivocally pure and unmatched
More golden then the sun's hue
Is what i feel for you
To say you make my day brighter Is an understatement
I know this poem wont do it ..
It can not fill you in on how much i love you that is.
Because no matter how many words or lines I write
I ll always come up short of expression
See babe I have a confession
The love i have for you will never die cause even when we do,
I ll still love you
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Editing stage:
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Comments
the_fool
Mon, 2012-12-24 02:15
hmmm...
when writing love poems full of praise it's hard to avoid some common traps. there's a lot of vague compliments and comparisons of your love. find a way to make it more personal. it should feel like it could only be about you and nobody else.
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-12-24 03:53
To put it less kindly, this is a mess of cliches
I'm sure it is heartfelt and personal, but that is all it is.
Think about it, give your reader a chance to engage, rather than feeling they are reading a Hallmark card.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Jayfrombk
Mon, 2012-12-24 08:16
Thanks guys
Thanks guys
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-12-24 11:59
Don't want to discourage you, Jay,
but I strongly suggest you read a lot of classical love poems before tackling the themem again, it will show you the pitfalls to avoid.
I strongly believe that, apart from a few genius savants no-one learns to write good poetry without reading a lot of it.
It's kind of like deciding to build a house and working out concepts like foundations and brick making as you go, when the information is freely available and would save you from several collapsed dwellings as you learned.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Mon, 2012-12-24 12:18
Jay
As Jess says love poems have been captured by the masters of poetry through the ages.
We could do with a competition to see if we can come up with a good love poem.
The other thing is Clichés and hackneyed things, it is hard but there are workshops here that will help in that direction, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Jayfrombk
Mon, 2012-12-24 14:35
no problem
THank you guys. Trust me i love the comments. I like to know what people think. I know that i can change my style or write with matching stanzas and everything but i just like being different. Idk. I just like writing what comes to mind . I just write for fun
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-12-24 16:27
then do it!
but one small point, in this poem you are not being different, you are being the same.
I would love to read something of yours on a different theme. You definitely have the skill with words to express profound thoughts.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Jayfrombk
Mon, 2012-12-24 18:27
you think so?
i kinda thought you didnt think i had skill :) .Thanks weirdelf. What do you think i should write about.
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-12-24 18:31
42
42
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Jayfrombk
Mon, 2012-12-24 18:33
huh?
whats 42?
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-12-24 18:41
[grins] it's a literary reference
In Douglas Adam's "The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy" they discover the final answer to life, the universe and everything is '42'.
Then they have to figure out what the question is.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
the_fool
Mon, 2012-12-24 18:42
it's
the answer to it all. life. the universe. everything.
check out 'hitchikers guide to the universe'. there's a movie now.
you'd surprise weird if u did write something about it, though.
t_f
Ian.T
Tue, 2012-12-25 03:22
42 What a great Number
I was born in 42 and they told me that it was a key to everything.
As I grew older I knew what they were talking about.
Now at a mere 70, I have the key to nearly everything, there is only one door to go through and that uses 42 the key of life.
42 through to 42 in the twinkling of an eye...
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..