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At the Sunset (internal rhyme)(Rhyme Crimes WS)
I always wanted to creep 'n
sleep in your heart-ocean
So deep shall leap my heart
If ever you accept the notion.
Or should I be a commotion,
an abrupt motion in your sea?
Know, I shall always be a wave, brave
to save a love, if stolen from me.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
wesley snow
Fri, 2012-06-15 22:55
Rula, this is a gas!
What has happened to your writing? Since coming to NeoPoet everything I see coming from you is three times as complex as your work before and this "rhymer" is brilliantly original. Talk about writing out of the box.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Rula
Sat, 2012-06-16 10:57
Thank you sir
What happened? I think I've just opened my heart following your steps...Thanks for leaving such a generous comment.Appreciate giving the time.
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themoonman
Sat, 2012-06-16 08:05
Hi Rula ...
I always wanted to creep 'n
sleep in your heart -ocean
So deep shall leap my heart
If ever you accept the notion.
Or should I be a commotion,
an abrupt motion in you-sea?
Know, I shall always be a wave, brave
to save a love, if ever been stolen from me.
Ok, I copied it here so I could see it easily,
I question your use of the hyphen, for one thing
it shouldn't have a space between unless "and"
is part of the run on, but it also should be sensible,
heart -ocean; perhaps heart-ocean which I would've
used heart's ocean. The "you-sea", the hyphen is right
but it makes little sense, perhaps your-sea but I don't
think there would be a need for the hyphen there.
I like your little poem and it was only these two things
that caused me to stop, which a poet doesn't want the
reader to do, it should flow with ease, at least that's what
we strive for. Your internal rhyme was right on, I really liked
the first line which is a grabber for me.
thank you for posting
Rula
Sat, 2012-06-16 11:38
Richard
Thank you for giving the time .In fact you've stopped on the same spots where I did when I first composed .I didn't mean to leave the space in the first pause however so I simply did the edit .As for the second, I liked your suggestion so I've corrected accordingly
Thank you again.Highly appreciated.
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judyanne
Wed, 2012-06-20 07:51
what an awesome write rula
this is beautiful
i have one question
'to save a love, if ever been stolen from me'
-'been' -- i'm just wondering if you might mean 'being' - as in happening at the time, rather than 'been' as in past tense??
- but can i suggest that you drop the word altogether? for rhythm...
great rhyme, lovely theme
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Wed, 2012-06-20 08:20
Ooops
Corrected dear Neopoet Cop [smiles]
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judyanne
Wed, 2012-06-20 08:41
lol (swinging my baton)
perhaps if you should spell it 'tis'
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2012-06-21 01:23
oh my
Thanks cop
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weirdelf
Mon, 2012-08-06 00:19
lovely write Rula,
and it satisfies not just in content and the 'terms of the exercise' but in a feeling of naturalness, so hard to attain.
cheers,
Jess
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