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I am pregnant...(Updated)
I am pregnant
...The sperm
that fertilized my egg
was of the world's pains, woes and ills.
Now the embryo grows bigger everyday,
and here I am,
after a few years
unable to deliver
... this womb
shall explode one day
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
It's not real but about how are the world's pains are growing more not less everyday and we are unable to change much.
Editing stage:
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Comments
loved
Thu, 2012-08-02 10:46
confusing a bit
egospermo
Sperms don't pain
they help one gain ...
eat into your eggs domain
and then fatten you simple and plain
the ones you let go
down the drain
wasted lives
do stain
and when one is older than due
its late for good pregnancy
how I wish all knew..
so sperms and eggs mate
between 16 to 27
and see the child the world's best
and the loving
see how pain is soon
laid to rest
when the doc declares your child as best...
loved
Rula
Thu, 2012-08-02 13:19
dear loved
I understand
what you mean,
but this pregnency
is a bit weired
it is not like any.
The last few lines
might make things clear
if you carefully read
it is all about the world's pains
which endlessly grow more and more daily
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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judyanne
Fri, 2012-08-03 04:33
hi rula
one problem, only one sperm fertilises an egg
(note spelling typo with fertalized - fertilized)
I actually liked the original a little better – imo there is too much explanation now
my suggestion for a tiny cull
'I am pregnant
... The sperm
that fertilized my egg
was of the world's endlessly growing
pains, woes and ills.
... Now the embryo grows bigger everyday,
and here I am,
after a few years
unable to deliver.
... this womb
shall explode one day'
as you know - just my opinion
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Fri, 2012-08-03 08:09
Yeah Juddy!!
I love your edition. It is marvelous how few changes make the difference.
Thanks for the time and the thoughts dear Juddy.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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weirdelf
Fri, 2012-08-03 18:28
this is far the best of your poems I have read
Utterly courageous in pain and truth. I could wish I was a woman and could have written it myself, but can you believe I utterly relate to it?
I do.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Sat, 2012-08-04 00:28
Don't we all live
in the womb of life?That's why anyone can relate
I'm happy you found something worthy here.Have a nice night/day sir
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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loved
Fri, 2012-08-03 19:33
the master Neo
has spoken .
Period
feel happy at that .
Period
I commented again too.
Period
I DO UNDERSTAND
THE PANGS............
loved
Rula
Sat, 2012-08-04 06:08
Thank you
Always generous loved
Take care
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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loved
Sat, 2012-08-04 06:40
thanks,....the whole world says so
thanks,....the whole world says so
but my very own
and
as for your poem
you changed the whole complex
all our comments become irrelevant ,
yet my composition
has been appreciated
on other sites ......
you don't know.
loved
Rula
Sat, 2012-08-04 10:36
Don't worry dear loved
And I haven't changed the core
It's all the same
With few adjustments so it would read better
So nothing is irrelavent
I like it to be read differently
This gives the piece kind of richness
Always loved
Many thanks.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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loved
Sat, 2012-08-04 14:49
thanks for the
kind words
loved
BlueDemon77
Sat, 2012-08-04 03:05
stong, powerful poem Rula
I connected with your poem in a large way. A play on the anxiety that something you can't monitor growing inside you and the potential that
what emerges may be something 'other'. Very nice, a touchy subject I rarely see touched. A brave and effective work.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
Rula
Sat, 2012-08-04 06:15
hello Ron
Appreciate your time and the kind comment.
I wish we can get rid of these woes before its too late.
Unfortunately things are getting worse daily and we are almost doing nothing :(
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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Ian.T
Sat, 2012-08-04 09:02
Rula
A very thoughtful write and much more acceptable than some of the rants I have read, Well done , Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Rula
Sat, 2012-08-04 10:44
though not my favorite
I'm happy that you like it.
Always happy to try something new.
Thanks for coming and commenting dear Ian.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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