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Theorum
Evolution considered, truth or dare ?
We are a planet of apes,
Drawn from the primordial ooze.
Quick to abuse.
We bare the burden of proof
Pre-historic dwellers of earth
Developed and improved upon,
Since birth.
Adam and Eve created to deceive
Desperate for a comfort,
Clawing for an explanation,
World filled with degradation.
We are aliens in a strange universe,
Infinite existence,
Or Armageddon to ensue.
Theory or hypotheses?
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-05-20 04:44
I loke this so much
except fro the Ana Eve eve reference, We are all accountible for our actions. region delusion has nothing todo with it
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Fri, 2011-05-20 06:13
Jess
Thanks
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Kailashana2
Fri, 2011-05-20 07:00
I like this poem and the spin
I like this poem and the spin you give on Armageddon. Though there's a slight change I would make:
Evolution considered, truth or dare ?
We are a planet of apes,
Drawn from the primordial ooze.
Quick to abuse
And bare the burden of proof
Pre-historic dwellers of earth
Developed and improved upon,
Since birth.
Adam with Eve created to deceive (instead of adam and eve)
Desperate for comfort, (remove a)
Clawing for an explanation,
World filled with degradation.
Are we aliens in a strange universe? (switch for question)
Infinite existence?
Or Armageddon to ensue?
Theory or hypotheses?
~Ac
lou
Fri, 2011-05-20 08:54
Hi
thank you that makes sense.
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Nordic cloud
Fri, 2011-05-20 11:16
This is a good poem, I have
This is a good poem, I have no comments that spring up as I read.
Love from Ann
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
lou
Fri, 2011-05-20 12:17
Ann
Thank you
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Fri, 2011-05-20 12:19
Lonnie
Thank you that is very kind of you.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-05-22 05:18
With the edits
I think this is the best poem of yours I have read.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Sun, 2011-05-22 05:48
Jess
Thank you very much, im still considering whether I feel the edits will work.
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-05-22 06:30
don't my praise, I'm often wrong.
Keep to your vision of the poem.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Sun, 2011-05-22 07:54
Don't worry
I was being polite
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-05-22 08:22
that was a cheap shot
I meant what I said.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Sun, 2011-05-22 11:46
Jess
I thought that you were saying that you didn't think I should take notice of your praise, because you you can be wrong about it being good. If I have misunderstood, then im sorry.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-05-22 12:40
No worries
It was praise indeed.
I can be a nasty bastard but my praise, and my crit, are always honest and genuine.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Sun, 2011-05-22 13:10
Jess
Ok sorry about the misunderstanding
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Sun, 2011-05-22 13:12
Well
For your information the title is a reference to a word used in a book on evolution that i am reading,
Did'nt occur to you that that the poem is supposed to pose a question?
And as for the rest of your opinion, it is just that, you are supposed to be writing a critique that will help the writer, not critiquing the writers theme.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Kailashana2
Sun, 2011-05-22 06:49
I like the title change.
I like the title change.
It's all a *Theorum* unless we have experienced something or another.
~A
lou
Sun, 2011-05-22 07:42
Thanks
Thanks
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Kailashana2
Sun, 2011-05-22 07:54
p.s spelling is *theorem* is
p.s spelling is *theorem* is it different in the UK?
lou
Sun, 2011-05-22 15:31
Xena
As I said to Theo theTheorum, is not a mis-spelling, it is a reference to a word used in a book I am reading.
Thanks for the critique.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
magics02
Sun, 2011-05-22 15:00
Lou
This write to me is a think upon write meaning it gives one to think of the hypothesis of evolution as so many have differing opinions on it, justifiably so.
Your first line sets the stage
Evolution considered, truth or dare ?
so to me it is truth or dare the truth. There have been so many different theories presented, the big bang, Adam and Eve, the Apes. WHere do we fit into the thought of this is what I got out of it. Please correct me if I am wrong here but I feel it is more presented as a question and a good one at that.
I can not add anymore crit to it for it is written to me for thought processing and a good one at that. Let me know if I am spot on or spot off.
Love at ya gal
Mona
lou
Mon, 2011-05-23 15:46
Mona
thanks Mona , yes it is presented as a question.
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Race_9togo
Mon, 2011-05-23 16:04
Lou
I like this. If it is intended to elicit a response of questioning in the reader, concerning evolution/creationism then this works very well.
I am struck by this:
"Evolution considered, truth or dare ?
We are a planet of apes,
Drawn from the primordial ooze.
Quick to abuse."
Which I think could be used to illustrate some of the rancor your poem has elicited from others, lol.
Nice one Lou, keep writing.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
lou
Mon, 2011-05-23 18:00
Jim
You are correct the idea of the poem is make the reader question their attitude to evolution v creationism. The subject matter was bound to provoke someone.
Thank you I'm glad you liked it.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!