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THE OTHER MAN
THE OTHER MAN
I look into the basin for a moment
Before looking back up
And he's still there, staring
I do not know this man
Through his deep, bloodshot eyes
His hard, unsmiling lips
And his shabby unkept hair
He stares coldly at me
Still, I do not recognize this man
But his eyes tell me something
I simply cannot believe
I am you, he says to me
This is where I walk away
Because this mirror is lying to me
I am young and full of life
My eyes haven't lost their youthful sparkle
No matter what they have seen
The man in the mirror is not me
I refuse to believe it
I feel it in my heart
There is joy there
I can still smile, if I try hard enough
Of this I'm almost certain
A. SWANTALALA
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2023-04-19 21:31
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The Other Man" by A. Swantalala explores the concept of self-identity and how one's perception of themselves can be distorted by external factors. The speaker looks into a basin and sees a reflection of a man that they do not recognize, but who seems to be staring back at them with cold, bloodshot eyes and an unsmiling mouth. Despite not recognizing this man, the speaker is forced to confront the possibility that it is, in fact, themself.
The poem effectively conveys a sense of unease and uncertainty, as the speaker struggles to reconcile the image they see with their own self-perception. The use of vivid imagery, such as the "hard, unsmiling lips" and "shabby unkept hair" of the other man, adds to the sense of discomfort and disorientation. The repetition of the phrase "I do not know this man" emphasizes the speaker's confusion and disbelief.
However, the poem could benefit from some tighter editing. For example, the line "Still, I do not recognize this man" feels somewhat repetitive, as the speaker has already established their lack of recognition in the previous line. A possible edit could be "He stares coldly at me, but I cannot place his face."
Overall, "The Other Man" is a thought-provoking poem that raises important questions about self-perception and the influence of external factors on our sense of identity. With some minor revisions, it could be even stronger.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Thu, 2023-04-20 10:10
I like your title...
it lets one know that there is another side to the man
in the mirror. Your language use is good and straight-forward, and the pace is
kept to a walk, thereby letting a reader get the message in full,
without pondering the meaning while continuing to read. I love the ending of this piece,
as it presents a further picture of hope, yet the feeling that he is about to lose that last bit
of humanity if he does not try to smile. ~ Geezer.
.
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