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Every Time I'm Away

Submitted by T. Harmonee on Wed, 2017-09-27 10:27

Your love blankets me as I fall asleep.
For once again I'm in a bed that's not mine,

With ruffed sheets and tattered pillows.
And I miss hearing your sleep machine,
my whispered lullaby.

Driving daily on these rachet roads
filled with nobodys, and hopping trains
fouled by drunks.
I'm still traveling with you.

I snap all your favorite cities, and
buy yet another mug.

This one says CHICAGO.

Placed on a metal souvenir rack
in a convenience store next to McDonald's,
holding all my three course meals.

Boy, I could really use your steak right now.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Geezer

Wed, 2017-09-27 18:21

Geezer's picture
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seems appropriate and I like the jagged form, it makes it seem like a jumble of thoughts that might fill one's head when they are away from home on business. [I'm making an assumption here].
I have felt the same when away from home at times. The beginning follows through to a good ending and the logic was good too. I am perplexed about the Ruffed sheets and tatered pillows?
Why the capital for the Ruffed sheets and did you mean [tattered] pillows? A few suggestions for these lines:
1). "I can't even hear your sleep machine," I would change it to: I miss hearing your sleep machine.
2). "Boy, how I could really use your steak right now." You might say: Boy, I can almost taste your steak, right now.
Just a couple of suggestions that might make it a little smoother. As always, just suggestions and I'm always pleased to have you make your own changes. ~ Geezer.
.

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Eumolpus

Wed, 2017-09-27 22:28

Eumolpus's picture

giving just a few details you are able to create a universe which we can see and feel. This stanza

With Ruffed sheets and tatered pillows.
I can't even hear your sleep machine,
my whispered lullaby.

The first line is not really a sentence and should have a comma. As above I think you meant "ruffled" which should not be in Cap, and "tattered" is the correct spelling...but I love the joining of sleep machine with the "whispered lullaby." I also like the rawness of describing the streets and trains. And the idea of the souvenir mugs.
It's obvious you are living/traveling on a tight budget, getting meals from the convenience store, and how you end the poem, dedicated to someone who cares for you, and gives you a square meal.
I would say you are absorbing the many masks of the craft of poetry, and your work is getting more
and more sophisticated. Keep em' coming.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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