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When I dance

It flows through my veins and fills my head
my eyes turn green and my soul isn't dead
my body vibrates, pulses and dips
I shake my head and swing my hips
My brain is on auto pilot
and my body is taking over it
I can't stop moving and turning round
I jump and fly, then fall face down
I feel no pain, I'm light and free
I yell out loud"Come and dance with me"
My friends all laugh but don't put down their drinks
a guy I don't know laughs and winks
he takes my hand and twirls me round
my smile's too bright so I can't even frown
his body matches mine beat for beat
we we dance all night and get sore feet
and when the music finally stops
my body sags and feels full of rocks
the music leaves my body and fades away
but I'll be back there another day
the guy is still dancing, he twist and he bends
I kiss his cheek and go to join my friends
but the music is still in my head
and that night I dance upon my bed
for when I dance the music is never done
I'll make my own then dance and run
dancing with the rising sun

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
i really have been wanting to write a poem about dancing, I like this one a lot. Tell me what i can do to make it better though.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

This is a very detailed, inside look at the beauty of being taken by the dance. The images do not seem made up, but true to heart. I find this a nice cameo, this mirroring of the author.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

thank you. The images aren't made up, its what i feel when I dance. I might not even be that good. I just like the feeling.!

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

oh my
I saw and felt every word absolute beauty in words I felt this poem really felt all of your moves

Chrys

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I really could see you out there dancing up a storm. I like the idea and the rhyme is a difficult pattern to do.
I don't often attempt it, so kudos to you for making it a fun read. Your lines about the brain being on auto-pilot
are really a great idea, but very hard to make fit.
I can't find a way to make them flow with the rest.
You give the impression of these lines with the rest of the poem
so I regretfully say let them go.

1] I jump and fly, then [float slowly] down - Kind of goes with the [light and free]
2] Friends all laughing, spilling their drinks
3] [His eyes so bright] I can not frown
4] Only one [we]
5] Dancing [toward] the rising sun

I hope this helps. Sorry about your auto-pilot lines, but save them for another day.

~ Geez.
.

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I love the rhymes & the rhythm. Every word flows off the tongue so well. The chirpy cheery attitude that resonates within is delightful to say the least.

If you can stand still for a moment we can have a word about your poem.
I absolutely agree with dear Geezer about dropping a couple of lines (5 & 6). I think by doing so it will enhance your piece.

Your syllabubble count doesn't work for me ~ sorry.  Lets rework your first 4 lines and see what happens.

It flows through my veins and fills up my head
My eyes turn to green though my soul isn't dead;
My body vibrates, it pulses and dips
I joggle my joints and gyrate my hips.  (to avoid using 'head' twice so close together)

I'm sort of going with ten syllables here.  This makes it a lot easier to read, in my view, and creates a flow which encourages the reader to want to know what happens next (I hope).

See what you think and let me know. If you like we can work on it some more ~ if not we can think again, your call.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

I could have danced all night
Then dance either with your best friend or in imagination then see HOW YOU COULD DANCE ALL NIGHT ere the twilight till twilight dawns ere the sunrise Just like I do all night
dance tonight welcome a dancer like me who
LOVES TO DANCE through the lonely night dance I may tonight...vivi

I looked up Audrey hep-birds song, but I got nothing. What is it called? Is that a poem u wrote? Its very pretty.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

I found it, I like this thanks!

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

she only sang it some one else's in a picture read my version now posted you will get the incentive vivi

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