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voices in my head

Voices in my head makes me think about things I dread.
Maybe I should take my Meds and go lay down on the bed.
Man my head feels like its full of lead and when I close my eyes
all I see is red. If wasn't such a hothead maybe I wouldn't
feel like I am dead. Maybe I was really mislead by some meat head.
Man I wish I would just went and ate some cornbread instead.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

I relate to thoughts in my head not so much voices. I think this is a good read written in an simpler form. Easy to read and rhyming is good. My only suggestion is to write it in stanzas.

For example: if you don't mine-
These voices, I hear things I dread
Maybe, I should take my meds
Then lay down on my bed.

Man, my head feels like lead
When I close my eyes I see red
If wasn't such a hothead
Probably, I wouldn't feel dead

Possibly, I was mislead
By some meathead
Man, I wish I'd ate cornbread instead.

Just a suggestion, it's Your poetry

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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I will keep working on it thanks for the help

author comment

A good start to putting your works on stream, you will notice at the top there are Workshops that you can join, also many other things on this site.
Everyone's works need help in some way even the best poets would gather and talk of things to do so this is a place where we can learn..
Welcome to Neopoet and I hope that your journey with us will be a good one,
Yours Ian..

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I hope you stick around and take advantage of the website. We believe we are unique on the web as this a workshop environment dedicated to improving each other's poetry. Most web sites simply comment.
"Don't comment, critique" is our mantra.
Now to your poem. I tend to agree with Barbara that stanza works better. Although the use of internal rhyme was interesting it was uneven within each verse. They rhyme sometimes early in the verse or late.
Note that Barb's version makes all of your rhymes "end stop" rhyme and I think the poem gains clarity that way.
If you are interested there is workshop soon to be starting based strictly on rhyme.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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