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Universal Language!

Submitted by Leslie on Wed, 2023-03-29 18:40

The sky displayed in azure blue
as I gaze into the heavens
searching for words which won't arrive
lacking the strength or leaven
to rise above this humble sphere
then take you by the hand
and lead you tenderly by and by
into the promised land
my spoken words are coarse, unstable
I find myself again unable
to describe the things that I feel inside
I want to run, I want to hide
but someday soon I hope to find
a way to gently express a tranquil mind
project my thoughts and simply unwind
that with your heart I might entwine

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-03-29 18:40

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Universal Language!" presents a beautiful and relatable theme of struggling to articulate one's innermost feelings and desires. The use of vivid imagery of the sky in azure blue and the heavens adds a sense of wonder and mystery to the poem. The repetition of "unable" emphasizes the speaker's frustration with their own communication abilities.

However, the poem could benefit from some structural changes. The abrupt shift in the last two lines from the speaker's personal struggles to their desire for connection with another person feels disconnected and rushed. Additionally, the rhyme scheme seems inconsistent, with some stanzas having a clear ABAB rhyme scheme and others lacking any discernible rhyme.

One suggested line edit could be to change "lacking the strength or leaven" to "lacking the strength or leeway." This change would make the line flow more smoothly and maintain the meaning of the phrase.

Overall, "Universal Language!" presents a relatable theme and compelling imagery, but could benefit from some structural revisions to improve the flow and coherence of the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Trail

Wed, 2023-03-29 21:02

Trail's picture

I want to use words to describe the rush of emotions that this poem brought but I can't find any. I read it and I'm the persona himself. His emotions become my emotions, my helplessness and frustration. It truly is a beautiful piece.

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