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Things I Don’t Speak About
If melancholy was an ocean,
I’d be drowning, with names of forgotten souls weighing me down
like they do in my memories
A remorse that can’t be told.
I skip the wakes for the things I helped die
from time and time of neglect
A guilt I can’t escape
For joining something I could easily forget
A remorse that can’t be told
I’m pained when I oversee the obvious
my oblivion always reigns supreme
people’s efforts go unnoticed
as their dedication is dismissed
A remorse that can’t be told
And the worst of all
inflicting pain on others
a sin that’s hard to carry
with guilt that keeps me hurting.
A remorse that can’t be told.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I read a text message I don’t remember ever receiving from an old youth pastor that said “we miss you at church!” I wept and out came this poem.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2023-04-14 00:20
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
/5
The poem "Things I Don't Speak About" explores the theme of remorse and guilt through vivid imagery and a repetitive structure. The use of melancholy as an ocean effectively conveys the suffocating feeling of guilt, and the names of forgotten souls add a layer of emotional weight to the speaker's memories. The line "A remorse that can't be told" serves as a powerful refrain, emphasizing the speaker's inability to express their regret.
However, the poem could benefit from more varied language and more specific details. The lines about skipping wakes and overlooking people's efforts feel generic and could be strengthened with more concrete examples. Additionally, the final stanza about inflicting pain on others feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem, as the speaker does not provide any context for this sin.
One suggested line edit could be to add more specificity to the line "people's efforts go unnoticed." For example, the line could be revised to "people's tireless work goes unnoticed," which would add more depth to the speaker's guilt and remorse.
Overall, "Things I Don't Speak About" is a solid exploration of the theme of remorse, but could benefit from more specific language and details to fully bring the emotions to life.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Fri, 2023-04-14 18:19
Things I Don't Speak About
Hello, Renae,
Such a revealing, honest, and painful poem, "I skipped the wakes for the things I helped die..." What amazing language and thought. I hope the cry you had after reading the text message was cleansing and helpful. Guilt is never a good thing to carry very long or very far into your life.
Thank you,
Lavender
Candlewitch
Sat, 2023-04-15 07:18
hello Renae,
welcome to Neopoet, I am glad to meet you! you have written a powerful poem. the only fault I find is in the structure in the first set. try this instead:
If melancholy was an ocean,
I’d be drowning, with names
of forgotten souls weighing me down
like they do in my memories.
I hope to read more of your work in the future.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Sat, 2023-04-15 09:49
Hello Rene
Welcome to Neopoet! This an honest, emotive write, in which I resonate with deeply. There is so much strength and power in self-reflection and I think you have conveyed this throughout your poem. Well done.
~RoseBlack~