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Temptation

Each time she looks looks at me with those eyes
My heart skips with zest through the skies
Making me wonder why she is so cute
Her countenance driving me mute

Pink lips
Slightly parted revealing
Bud that sips
Men's destiny

In bottle she is red
In clothing she is a sheep
In hunger a bread
In the middle of the sea a ship

Ship sailing men to early grave
Food choking men to death
Sea infested with mad waves
Crushing and sinking men to mother earth

Elegant legs moving to the rhythm of music
Approaches when I am weak
Yanking off the fabric
And devouring the heart of the meek......

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
open to criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

open to criticism

benevolence

author comment

I like the rhyme and the pattern. The alternating emotion of a woman being a savior and yet maybe the doom of man, is not new, but you have portrayed it well. Welcome to Neopoet. I hope that you will enjoy the site and take advantage of the numerous workshops that we have. ~ Geezer.
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thanks

benevolence

author comment

nice

thanks

benevolence

author comment
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