i am mean and nasty
got my moms genes
my dad just got things done
paid for it in his haunting
which i saw as he destroyed
himself by fifty seven from
alcohol..birth dad...
studied them to understand
my genetics
suprisingly parents were eerily
similar so dreams of the birth
family being any more improved
was a fantasy
in the end who raised me and
these people helped for a summer
too make me today what i am

had i had other parents
i can barely imagine

cup incident happened
i dealt with a pretty and bright
and one day her temper
and mine got into it
happens between driven
people....same love and
hate thing thats common
i mean it got my attention
and in movies you see
women throwing plates
etc....had my own woman
throw my clothes i had
out the door...etc...
but they always miss me
and know when i get
calm again that im very
attentive...orderly
funny....we have this
at work too with our
family..

i was trying to figure out
the women...
drove me bonkers so i let
go over the past year
it was so hard...wandered
lost...found myself...\
chatting with other women
taking those risks helped
greatly....made me see
what they see in me
not just as a person but
as a man.....that was kind
of burnt out of me as a kid
i was my mothers favourite
test bed as she kept
control of all the dominate
males of our large family
and she did....but she was
loving and caring too
rescuing the aunts..making
the trips to visit
knitting cool things for all
putting on meals gifting
calling...quite the character
moody but made her
interesting..
dynamic thoughtful
troubled people often are

i did blame for years an
ex relationship but was
talking to someone one
day...and another friend
said..they like u but you
keep talking about your
separation and that was
three years ago...ha..
guess they wanted new
stories fresh....woke me
up..i was twenty seven
then.....1991 i finally
got therapy and counselling
never would have come
this far without ever person
\i met helping out along the
way...how it works\1

my dad would leave cookies
in his lunch pail...mom after
her long shift working as a
nurses aid would bring home
treats too....or bake peanut
butter cookies or pies for
suppers desert....jello with
whipped cream in little blue
plastic bowls...still remember
them.....not all was conflict
nor confrontation but there
was a lot...

men are stubborn lost in their
worlds..clinging to shit..
favoring treasures
took me a long time to be
a huggy kind of person
without the lust association
usually i was bouncing off
the walls....been trying to
drop it down into farmer
first....kind of sucessful
and \i try to pick up flowers
now and then...think of
thoughtful simple things
i used to put value in gifts

one woman loved me quiet
at the ready....shh when
i got restless rambling
the other fed off the wild
energy and anger
to the stars....
what a combo
no wonder my eye
twitched much
both very brilliant

but u gotta emote..best
not to keep it in
but out in society we
got taught not to get\
baited too.....easy to
push people and get
a charge....luckily they
kept me teflon..
conditional discharge
to keep me on the good
encouragement
everyone knows i got
the darkness
but not as dark as some
shared some intel for
contrast to me
i was shocked but not
really...i met a lot of these
people and still have contact
perhaps to keep it in focus

finicky things men get hung
up on....more like cats sometimes
then women
but \i loved and love my girls
i know
all of them....even the ones who
turn now and then screaming
at me when they get all stressed
out....just having a bad day
i scrap back..go our ways for
a bit...then hook up along the
way for talks on the trail....
we need each other in our
pack...here and out there...

she did buy me a cup or mug
and loved it when i gifted things
or paid attention
they knew how important it was
to drag me away from the
computer or xbox
or the meetings
women love being the queen
or the princess
ha..and i know the others too
but all human...traits ..skills.
intel..points of view..perspective

no lunchs did go to waste..ha
remember one bringing home
all the plastic tubs full of
mouldering food...a good soaking
in hot water and bleach and good
to go....i would write notes
with an elastic band...
in my illegible handwriting that
looked very pretty...

anyway....waking up...slept all
day..exhausted before..
thank \u val...

a happy sunday it is
\mr \wolf..

xo

but gained much experience.....
survived...some never try or
sink into a strange world of denial
sub dom...in a true sense not the
kink..although thats option..choice
.
by the time I hit older
I had a child...nasty separation
bankrupt walked away from
a world i didnt belong in
helping a woman who had it all
and hardly a friend
i dug in...a ray of sunshine
in the bleak status i endured
...spoiled and let to rot...
a strange world

in this poem....narrator and
personal glimpse of my world
I had learned to shift like a
ship in the storm
in minutes or hours we shifted
our moods....compressing
them to save time...get on the move
some people take time
i would be angry one minute
then smoke break..a calm
would take me..back inside
and i would broker the new
deal....was a hard sell...
"you just blew a gasket and now
you are okay with my idea?/??"
how could I tell them I would
hole up in my room for days
weighing the haughty importance
of being right....damned if your
right...world does not operate
on principal or ideal alone..
I think it was the berlin wall falling
the tianemen square news cast
before that it was napalm
that girl then syria..helicopters
dropping drums of high explosives
no rocket launchers...no opposition
no fifty calibres...nothing but fear
and waiting.....

and here in our fair city...
the disparity so great...

so....the incidents mentioned
above....by then i had learned
to snap it forward...
compress time...
yah your right...
wheres the list...im on my way
fear is anger is what i was taught
in a judge appointed setting
did they waste their time?
no.....i have learned a lot

sometimes it takes your whole
lifetime for change to evolve
through the thick dunes and
snowdrifts of denial
rebuttal....and Im not saying
be the doormat..oh no..
i had to stand up for myself
the only way i got respect
fear of losing all that was
important.......

called bracing

part of human nature

poem...realtime
glimpse of my world
i could snap it forward
thick skin...experience
morning smashed cup
..its just a cup...
i will take a cup
anyday....
and they replaced it
they just wanted to be
important in the now
then ghosts
let the dead bury the dead
by afternoon or morrow
we were good as new
like now even
i never expected to hit
this age...
twenty years past
and I was a value
to some..and they taught
me about the vital
things of being young

one of the greatest compliments
was..you have the passion
of a young man.and I never
shut the doors of my experiences
and shared what i learned then
to save time for the fng's

gave cigarettes to a just turned
fifty year old..he looked sixty five
and he marvelled at my three
years his senior but I told him.
I lived...but I did not live it like
some...i got half the experience
in life....which was true..

kerouk died young..we never got
to hear about old kerouk or dean
moriarity past forty nine..
hunter...wendy o williams..kurt..hemmingway
all went by their violent hand
those staying.....maybe we just know
the pudding and its proof

okay to get angry.....but
its a firecrackers pop to the rest
the interlude of meaning thereafter
is the importance.
but I hear yah Jane

mr plodding along wolf