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T I N S I L K H Y D A F O I L E D

Submitted by Esker on Mon, 2015-01-12 20:03

Cacaphony
wakes me
beneath the floor
the television scores
mingle word per
words
before the night
slips away
you
before the dark
wakes me
dreams

fumbling for purpose
more in dream
then awake
down the stairs
the main room
dark
save the light
of an oven hood
the blue room glow
of the set turned low
television stampede
of ads

a coat
with a zippo turned
the flinted spark
the orange flame
the bright scarlet
ember
the cold crawling
up and through
to me
the wild ravaged
hair

I was a tin man
you built me
from ideals
iron oxide
rusted
cut me a silk heart
from a discard
look
in the rains we baptized
our indifferences
and secured
to dissuade
those with plans
of anarchy
locks
and catches

but a trickle of
wind
blew in
and like a ghost
it echoes
within

...

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Wed, 2015-01-14 00:13

judyanne's picture
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I'm not sure if I've seen some of this before from another write of yours, or if it's the same one revamped, but some of it rings a bell

But, no matter if I've read it all or none before, it is very powerful, and i enjoyed reading this steve

I wonder if you need the second 'wakes me' in the first stanza, and the first 'in' in the last?

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Esker

Wed, 2015-01-14 09:31

Esker's picture

an entrance and a leaving...probably borrowed from
high school..Shakespeare...
How many awarenesses to sleep are there
and wakefulness

sometimes its many
for this poet..
but I understand structure
It could be eliminated
but I would rework the poem
again...

awake
awake
oh teary night
floss flesh the light
with bones and tea
this sheen seen through
has stirred a sea
so haul in nets from
briny deep
scuttle ghosts
and scurry keep...

I like the reptition a lot
like tapping ones finger
twice.

just a habit I guess..

I like the echo...I Love reverb
sound reflection I love
like light reflection
it gives a feeling of space
and an openess

Dialogue...
the great pauses
maybe because in life
some phone calls
were intimate and painful
the spaces like a dark
evening at calm

But with its removal
again for me..it becomes
a different ending

maybe the meaning would
be less diffuse?

Thank You!

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