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Sunset

Submitted by Rhiannon1010 on Sun, 2015-09-20 18:37

Walking back from GDH
at dusk.
The cool sharp wind
fills the sleeves of my jacket
as I reach
to shelter my
raw, red, wet nose
from its razor
sharp fingers.
I stop,
my throat burning
with the arctic burn
of the air,
deep in my lungs.
The breeze is fresh with
the scent
of dying.
Dying leaves.
Dying grass.
Dying sun.
The dying sun
is pale-faced as
Death himself
as it struggles
for its last moments of life
against the night sky.
Flushed with effort,
like an athlete
training in the heat,
the sky pushes
and crushes
the shrinking sun,
trying to suffocate
its dwindling brilliance.
The sun reaches out
for my help.
Its long golden
fingers stretch
and land
helpless
at my feet.
The wind,
like the sun’s last
dying breath
whispers
in the dying leaves.
I draw up my collar
against its
frigid plea
and walk home,
telling no one
what I saw.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This poem was written about a sunset I took a picture of on the way back to my dorm from my dining hall at school. GDH is what we call our dining hall.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Mon, 2015-09-21 15:37

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Now I am bound to ask what the acronym GDH stands for lol. Apart from that this is a great description of a winter sunset.........stan

Rhiannon1010

Tue, 2015-09-22 12:21

Rhiannon1010's picture

GDH is the dining hall at my school. It stands for Greenville Dining Hall

author comment

Esker

Tue, 2015-09-22 00:42

Esker's picture

fresh...I like the sleeve inclusion and the description of the sky....the battle viewed....the witness!! "the dying sun is pale faced as death himself" a great line...the personification.....the sun the life giver and reversed to be the death....the masculine proper...
the sky as an athlete....I like these classical themes....no feminine inclusion which some poets
are want to do...the ol balance....not here.....original...refreshing..

thank U

Rhiannon1010

Tue, 2015-09-22 12:20

Rhiannon1010's picture

haha. That's true. I believe in gender equality and balance, but I don't feel like every piece of art of literature needs to be a bastion for it. Sometimes the is just a room full of males. That doesn't mean that females are less valued or hated, it just means there happens to just be males present. People who always feel the need to be inclusive and politically correct often over do it, in my opinion. I just didn't feel the need to include feminine elements in this poem. It just didn't feel right. Plus, if you look at some of my older work, such as "The Woman in the Grass" or "Tir na mBan", the subjects are almost exclusively feminine. This seems to be a nice break for me from my normal style, so to speak. I am glad you valued it as much as I do. :)

author comment

Esker

Wed, 2015-09-23 05:17

Esker's picture

and It makes me want to look at your other works....I over do my work...like in life..Im loud..over the top.....like chairs..Here is the mans chair....here is the womans chair..here is the kids chair..the elder..a forceful but peaceable gesture but the grin that goes with it!!! sometimes the softness..the thought and consideration that some brilliant woman I know here and online make me stop and ponder....Bright....I like bright poets...although I am more a primitive bright....but I appreciate when I catch on to the great style....I wrote in non sexual identification in beginning....there was a younger influence about me that pestered me for attention and to be inclusive to her world..moved out now..but there was so much learned....without her my writing would have faltered greatly...as it is im stuck in this odd crazy mode of writing for moment....back to your poem....I still think of the sky..I like that athlete personification...the dying sun......because there was also no welcome to night...no hope about stars....peace...weather was not discussed like most may note....thank U for your poetry and writing.....

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