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Sunken Ships

Submitted by Rainy Day on Thu, 2012-03-22 03:01

Rush, rush, the sound of waves,
Eager to fill the anxious bay,
Meet with a sweet thrust,
Recede back into the salty mist,
The ocean’s voice is found,
As a whirlpool circles ‘round,
Scattering seashells across the floor,
Like sandy memories of tides before,
Sunshine sets the blue aglow,
And lights forgotten harbors down below,
Of wreckaged ghosts so forelorn,
That they shall never return to shore.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is a current rough draft of a poem I just edited. I am considering either keeping it this way or maybe adding more to it to go in another direction. Not sure yet.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

China Blue

Thu, 2012-03-22 11:13

China Blue's picture
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You seem to have lost the rhyme at sunshine and thereafter

I do love the ocean
question? do you feel rush is appropriate for a wave that hits with a thrust?
something stronger might be better

you do well at describing the ocean
love the line " like sandy memories of times before"

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Rainy Day

Fri, 2012-03-23 01:21

Rainy Day's picture

Thank you both for your comments. Yeah I wondered if that spelling was right Lonnie, lol. Word didn't catch it either so that makes me feel a little better. Thank you for noticing. Thank you for noticing the loss of rhyme China Blue. I overlooked it. I'll have to work on that. You're right, something stronger would probably be better to coincide with the other wording. I intially wrote the poem as a basic poem about the ocean then I considered using it as symbolism for making love. Recently I rewrote it and it became this version. I guess for now it will continue to be a work in progress, lol. Maybe it will help me grow as a writer. Thank you both again. I really appreciate it.

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