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Leaves, Leaves

Leaves, leaves on maple trees,
They whisper softly and sing,
In boughs above gilded eaves,

Petals, petals on fragile flowers,
They sway in quiet hours,
Above lady bugs like dancing towers,

Seeds, seeds in the earth,
They travel deep to give birth,
And flourish above the fresh dirt,

Wind, wind amongst sunshine,
Blows through mountains to speak rhymes,
And tells stories of nature’s time,

The peat smells sweet,
Where traveling feet meet,
Kissing the ground the way lover’s greet,

On mossy rocks the river fled,
Where swallows rest sleepy heads,
And small animals make their sheltering beds,

Where’s spring’s new hope grows,
As it thrusts through the snow,
In a world we forgot to know,

And we encroach upon them
And we dare to claim them
Gifts taken and squandered
While the deer nearby ponders
He, perhaps, smarter than we,
For the fawn clearly sees,
We’ve lost touch with reality,
By being self-centered in our society,

As nature becomes our retreat,
For a short time then we leave,
Behind our ashes like dust,
Making love to her only in lust,
When one day we will be in need,
After we fail from our greed,
And find she’s no longer there,
For we will have raped her bare,

Stripped her of her beauty,
Her bounty and her duty,
She will no longer be able to give,
Us the proper sustenance to live,

Leaves, leaves in the rain,
Like snowflakes fall away,
And glisten dewy in the day,

May it not be too late,
For us to compensate,
All the blessings we were gave,
Let us not send Mother Nature to an early grave,
But respect the land,
Given to us by God’s own hands,
Love her like we should do,
For the purpose He intends us to.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Welcome back to Neopoet,
There is much going on here at the moment.
There is talk and action of a book from this group and the workshops that are being run are of the highest level.
I see you write short stories, there is also an ongoing workshop on Epics run by Wesley.
I liked this write though the changes in form surprised me but the whole thing was top line.
I shall wait for your next piece, Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Pretty expressive with a great message. When many think the same way, we would be able to leave behind something good for Generation next.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

rhyme scheme. Add the detailed imagery and this poem has strong bones. However, If you read this out loud you will easily spot a few line which could use some work, I think. Welcome back...........stan

Thank you all so much! I'm so glad to be back. Stan which lines do you think I need to improve on? I wasn't sure about a couple of them. I was afraid some might be a little long. I would like to make improvements where needed. Any advice would be appreciated from everyone. Thanks!

author comment

I myself am often guilty of meter glitches so it feels a bit strange to advise another on it lol. But for an example the middle line of 2nd stanza might could use another "beat". Maybe something like "sway and dance" would work. Reading your poem out loud will likely reveal othe places which once you see them I'm sure you can "fix'. But you might be like me in that you don't mind a few lines in which perfect meter is sacrificed for clarity of message........stan

Forgot to say this would make two very good poems, the first with the double word start then another containing the rest of the poem.
As to the rest there could be a balance of Stanzas in there line length and as the first part four or even five lines per stanza.
Have a go at it and see what you feel about it.
Yours as always, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Thank you so much Ian! I will definitely give that a try! I will also get to reading. I've been away so long I can't wait to read and get caught up on what I've missed!

author comment

I will look forward to your output, it is good that you have taken up the poetry pen again.
It to me is a restful thing and puts me in touch with another world.
A world that I can make my own, or whoever I wish to let join me, where ever I feel to be and as a free Spirit It is a wonderful place, Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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