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A Stranger Sort Of Slumber

I saw you swing
a lantern like a star
above your head,
you waved
and maybe called my name,
or sang it as
you'd often do
somewhere between
a whisper and a sigh

I clambered through
the rising mist
looking for you,
but then you disappeared,
and all that howled
was the empty wind
through a gaping cavity.

The world capsized
or I tripped
perhaps,
in a tumble of earth
and broken wings.

I felt your finger rest
on my lips,
your breath was cold,
your blanket covered me
as the night grew ever stronger
and my hearing
a little less...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
because this is how I feel... Now I'm really working on the ending of this poem. What do you think?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I don't like the last verse, maybe it's just me...besides that I think it's really beautiful

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

Could you be a bit clearer? I want to know why

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

it's somehow different from the rest of the poem, while I was reading it the rhythm was the same and then I was surprised, like something has broken, it just sounded like that

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

Thanks. I sort of get what you mean. I'll wait for other comments and take another look at it.

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

So, while there is some decent imagery here, I am not getting a cohesive read. It feels stunted and that it end prematurely.

Also, even though it is free verse, you have stuck to a fairly cohesive pattern in tempo, except, as Emina noted, the last verse.

Perhaps you might open it up a bit more, use punctuation to take each thought and make it definitively start and end, thus creating a structure of conversation, even if the conversation is completely internal.

I believe there is a solid foundation here, I would just like to see either a more cohesive series of thoughts or a more definitive dreamlike environment.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

I've edited the poem now. Is this better than the previous?

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

It does read cleaner, the added verse helps.

The last line does not grab me. It does not feel as if there is a conclusion to the piece for me.

Now, I could just be completely missing the point.

I love the first stanza and I enjoy how the rest of the poem builds and shapes the perceptions which is why, to me, the last line does not supply a conclusion.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

I have to disagree with Emina i think the last stanza is superb, the whole poem is a stand out its one of the best poems I've read from you.

I will be back tonight, I need to read this again dawn approaches here time for this vampire to sleep.

Love JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks Jayne.

I've added one stanza before the last, to make the poem a little clearer. Does this improve the piece?

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

I love the added verse it gives it more cohesion in my mind :) well done...

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

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