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Strange Weather

Submitted by Sen99 on Tue, 2020-06-09 08:18

Dirt cloud thick and black
Air reeks with smell of rain
It bladders hard with cats and dogs
Heads soaked in heavens fallout
Bathtub and the gutters flooded
Drains retched out the drowned rats
Birds and planes nosedive
Umbrella hats blown inside out

Distemper and the thunder bellows
Shotgun shakes the heart
Steeple warped by lightning fork
Church hit by god’s bolt
Telephone didn’t stop ringing
And the bell tower blown apart

Stop all the clocks in the downpour
Stand in the shower and shrink
Rivulets grow into rivers
Streams of people, piss and a million fish

Bird songs in the storm
Louder than the wind
Say the sky will fall
Say the sky will fall today

Weather-vane is wayward
Two faced looks both ways

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
mother nature at its best
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

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Fri, 2021-02-19 12:35

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I think the language use works well, with most of the first words of each line stressed, adding to the sense of being pelted with rain. For me the weaker lines don't have this rhythm (e.g., it bladders hard with cats and dogs) or they don't fit into the rhythm of the stanza. For example, I stumble over these a bit when I read their stanza:

Church hit by god’s bolt
Telephone didn’t stop ringing

Love the last two lines that add to how disturbing the poem is and also are highlighted for me by the rhyme with the preceding stanza. Don't know if that was intentional or not but it works!

Sen99

Tue, 2021-03-09 07:55

Sen99's picture

Thanks for reading and your insightful comments, great feedback !!

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