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SPRING FEVER (theory of relativity shop) by Scribbler and Ian.T

SPRING FEVER (theory of relativity shop)
Submitted by scribbler on Fri, 2013-05-31 02:37

Sitting in a poplar's shade
on this late spring afternoon
while heat sends shimmers in the glade
summer time will be here soon
A drop of sweat dives off my nose
as I sip on a cold sweet tea
I can't shed any further clothes
for it would show too much of me
Bumbling bees provide a hum
as they pollinate the varied flowers
a toneless tone which leaves me numb
after hearing it for hours
The air's so lazy it won't stir
and barely deigns to support birds
the kind of stillness that occurs
at unexpected obscene words
Eyelids start to slowly drop
my breath becomes measured and deep
just as the world appears to stop
I drop off into a tranquil sleep...

“Written by Ian.T for the workshop”
SPRING FEVER (theory of relativity shop)

Spring Fever

Come sit with me in poplars shade
On this Spring day, late in the afternoon
Where the heat shimmer distorts the glade
I feel that summer will be here soon

Teardrops of sweat drip off my nose
Sit with me, sip on a cold sweet tea
I am down to near all of my clothes
I would scare, by showing more of me

Impossible Bumble bees flight emitting a hum
Gathering the pollen of a variety of flowers
Listening to their toneless noise leaves me numb
Heard from morning into the evening hours

Crazy air so tired and lazy it won’t be stirred
Hardly enough energy to support the birds
Listen there in a stillness that has occurred
Festooned with some strange obscene words

I see your eyelids starting to drop
Our breath become measured and deep
Our world seems to drag and stop
We both drop off into a tranquil sleep

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Stan submitted this for the workshop as a piece that didn't connect with people (He always connects) so as I have to rewrite it for the workshop just let us know how it goes ,Yours Ian.T
Editing stage: 

Comments

Ian.T

I wrote this as a comment 8 days ago on the relativity main workshop board, LOL I wrote the edit to your poem that day..

Mon, 2013-06-03 09:54
Stan
I shall edit yours when the names comes out it is written, La La, Yours all seeing Ian.
.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Nice writing! You know that I loved this piece when Stan submitted and could easily immerse in and relate. But I like the succinctness of yours too. Don't you think you need some breaks here and there to give me a breath :) :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Stans is the first one with no breaks, I hope my write is the one your comment is on.
I had to try and keep Stan's way of writing but maybe if I free formed it there would be more scope.
Thank you for your reply, Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I'm sorry. Does this say I liked the original better? Perhaps. However, as
I said earlier I liked the theme and related well. I believe a slight difference is there.

Now I think Stan needs to put some breaks,doesn't he?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

the beginning invitation involved the reader in a personal way right from the beginning. Then the dropping of "I's"and replacing them with us and we helped maintain the inclusive feel throughout. 3rd line 1st stanza I think distorts instead of distorting .....................stan

I am glad that you approve of the rewrite.
I changed the shimmers and distorting and made the line:-
Where the heat shimmer distorts the glade.
As I feel that to shimmer covers the whole scene then it distorts making the changes in view..
We will wait to see what others think, Rula liked yours lol,,
Take care out there Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
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