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"I see you"

We had just moved in to a new house
A place to live in a country far away
A pool and land for the children to play
Then a knock at the door one day

He stood there at my door
Gleaming smile and not quite sure
“I see you” he said to me
Hands palm out for me to see.

A man of the Zulu’s had come this day
To ask of me if he could stay
In a shed we had in the garden.
It had a bed there, I had forgotten

“Cyprian is my name” I stay you gain
“Do you work” I asked of him.
“Yes I do” he offered so free
I work down the road in the brewery

He told me of paying me
I said that the shed would be free.
But each week he’d leave at the door
Bavarian lager in pack of twenty four.

Cyprian was a good man I grew to know him
My child learned from him of many things
Click language, and some Zulu words
We bonded as people of this world.

We left that land so far behind one day
Back to England as was to be my way
I remember him and the things he’d say.
“I see you” a greeting that holds my sway.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Just Playing
Editing stage: 

Comments

I would critique the meter and such, but I like the story in it too much to bother.

mag

A true story for a change lol.
Thanks for your visit
I moved into a rented house in South Africa and in the garden was a shed.
About three days later this tall Zulu called Cyprian came to the door and asked if he could come back as he had been staying there, we had many hours of talk, and my young son learned some of the language and about stick fighting, they were going to make up a set of rules for stick fighting but we left for another house later, before they had finished,
Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

And the meter, although not perfect, is not a problem to my ear
-- although there are a few places could do with a tad change (imo i stress)
Line 2 stanza one - perhaps simply 'in a country far away'
Line 1 stanza 5 maybe try to lengthen a tad.-'he told me he would be paying me'
Line four stanza six needs an 'a' for length (to my ear) - 'bavarian larger in a pack of twenty-four'
Last stanza - first and second lines - drop the 'so' and 'as'...

You lose rhyme in the second last stanza and it mars the whole piece
I would love to see you work on that, as this is a beautiful tribute...

i see you ian !
:)
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for your help here, somehow this one didn't come up on my screen for replies.
Tomorrow I shall re read and see what needs attention,
Take care of you, Yours Ian xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

only you see me!
when will you too
let go of me?

You are seen by many people, you just can't see it, why I just don't know maybe those books of the mind or the teaching you have had can sort that out,
Thanks for your visit young Bard, "I see you"..
Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I have read and commented on so many poets today
in hope that they will also come my way
as jess says
compose let others to the garbage bin of time
LOVED dispose
it seems so
if so so be it
amen

I see you
you see me
but our promise
is yet to be
my hunters
your team
our showdown
a long way it seems
a few more weeks
and then we'll see
if we can tango
bring it to reality

Alid

Just a piece from my work in Africa, reality for a change now Cyprian is written about.
There are so many wonderful people in the world and I have met so many,
Take care we shall battle later, Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

This poem is so heart warming - it's so nice to know that people of different cultures can form bonds of affection and friendship. I love the title ( it's deep and beautiful ). I can't put my finger on it - but there is such a lovely feel about this poem - it's a pleasure to have read it. :)

Love to you

Mand xxxx

thank you for your visit, I have met many races in my life and they are all the same, maybe we should remember the thing called humility and trust, I know sometimes it is one sided but we must persevere,

Take care out there, Yours as always Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

It has been way way too long, I have missed you so much but I have always seen you ;), its been a slightly weird (and wonderful in some ways) year, I think that I have had all the bad luck for my life this last year, it wasn't just my health as you know but as the days and months passed well things turned to [email protected],I am looking forward to better days, now onto your poem darlin I think that this is an amazing story you have lived such a full and interesting life, much like our Ann, you have always held me captive not so much with the technical side of your work its the feelings and story that's told that's the real catcher.

Wonderful !! I simply loved it hun and I am slightly jealous I think that your friend would have been a most interesting man to know.

much love always Just Jayne xxxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

You have been through so very much during the last year, and as I have said there is a restful happy time coming soon, just get over this last OP and then start to live again but take it easy, the children will hold your ways as usual,
Yours As always Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

being an African, i can relate to your story. leaves a warm feeling in my heart.

I loved Africa with its extremes and wonderful variety of peoples, this is a playground for my feelings.
I worked with all types of people there and in the top place was the truth of the Zulu's as they carried out their ways.
Thanks for your visit, Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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