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SHATTERED HEART
SHATTERED HEART
A sudden gust
of Winter wind
icy cold
took my breath away.
and my heart began to shatter
with each lie
your caress told.
I felt the sting of your
loveless kiss.
its poison seized
my soul.
and I was forever lost
to this world.
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-04-20 02:36
I see an attempt at Japanese profundity
but the logic doesn't work.
Why the fuck should you burn?
Saying the wind took your words away is un-accountable.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geremia
Fri, 2012-04-20 05:57
P.S.
P.S.
I need time t w rk on this. I see where yu are right.
Joe
p.s.
And drop that "Japaese profundity" crap.
author commentGeremia
Fri, 2012-04-20 05:21
No such attempt. I did have a
No such attempt. I did have a Toyota once. .All metaphor:
You sddenly came ino my lfe lke a cold wniter wnd [aready a negaive
you reached me deep inside
and now I suffer for it [fires of Hell]
It's all about being "dumped"
thanks
joe
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2012-04-20 08:35
I don't treat you differently because of yout 'condition'
You are sometimes fucking brilliant, sometimes pathetic.
Alllow me to treat you as a poet, not a special case. You have talent way beyond the poets in this site.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geremia
Fri, 2012-04-20 09:15
Jess,I never expected
Jess,I never expected anything less from oyu but t ruth. And I appreciate it. You ae right here. and I need to unpublish this one and work on it. It is insipid.
Thanks,
Joe
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2012-04-20 09:29
Don'''''t fucking unpublish it! Work on it!
Despite my harnose, smoetimes cray, belligeret tineas at tinem I kne you knod ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' fs
My neice tried to burb=n doen a ooem of hersm I redcurf it snf uut zxxx z
Sometimes nonesence is brilliant. Run awat from those horible peopole whi li,if
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geremia
Fri, 2012-04-20 09:51
I decided not to unpublidih
I decided not to unpublidih and did, in fact, re-write it.
Joe
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2012-04-20 10:11
Courage.
My utmost respect.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geremia
Fri, 2012-04-20 10:38
Same here, my friend.
Same here, my friend.
author commentKailashana2
Fri, 2012-04-20 10:59
Sometimes a line is better in
Sometimes a line is better in the title than in the poem itself, Joe.
I would call the poem: "forever lost to this world" and let the last line be "your poison seized then froze my soul" or something of that nature.
~A
Geremia
Fri, 2012-04-20 11:34
ok
ok
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