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The Secret 3

Come and join the secret three
it may be small for you and me
but it will be a big society
with more than you and me

come and join to have some fun
goof around till the day is done
Winter spring and fall we'll run
keeping on running til we've won

scream and cry at the Moon
get drunk till we meet our doom
staying up til the flowers bloom
waking up with eyes like coons

if you join we'll dance till 4:00
spending money till were poor
drink again and drink some more
watching creepy, gory, lore

so come and join the secret three
come and join just you and me
make this a big society
come with us so you can flee

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
this is based off of a book I used to read all the time. It shows the boys growing up and growing closer.(my poem, the book has nothing to do with anything in my poem)
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Of the song "The Hanging Tree" and it's counter-part "Come Little Children". Deliciously creepy and it really does feel so much like an invitation, my heart sinks with regret that I cannot actually accept it. :(
Well written! Your rhyming is very, very good.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

Did my poem come off as creepy? It was meant as a cute poem about a group of boys who were close from a young age and grow up together. The line about them crying at the moon is them being young crazy boys. The line about them getting drunk til they meet their doom is about them being high school students taking a drink. The line about them being free is like after a breakup they still have each other. It isn't a child predator poem, and it isn't supposed to be creepy. Where did that idea come from? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
(°ヘ°)

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

the third verse is very creepy (in a good way!) and gives the whole poem an air of chills and thrills. I am sorry if this is not what you intended, but it's what I got from it.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

represent them becoming teenagers. waking up with eyes like coons represents them not being able to sleep. I kninda see it now coming off as creepy. What should I do to fix it?

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

It's not just that verse, but the following especially with the ". . . gory lore" the whole poem really does feel like a semi-sweet nightmare.
To be honest . . . I can't see any way to fix this except for a whole new-angle rewrite. Now, as far as it goes, I really love this poem the way it is, but if you wanted a different message to come across, maybe you should just write a new poem. *sad smile*
I'm sorry I couldn't actually help more.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

i guess i write so many creepy poems that my happy ones come off as creepy too. :)

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment
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