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SAILS AND OTHER THINGS- edit 2

Submitted by Geremia on Fri, 2015-08-21 11:38

SAILS AND OTHER THINGS

I saw a ship cutting through
a sea Aegean blue
sails full and wide
catching winds from lee side.
Suddenly it disappeared
as suddenly as the years flash by
that fade into some distant sky

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2015-08-21 23:35

Short, sweet and succinct...

I sailed to that horizon and see another one just beyond. One little niggle, I would smooth out the last two lines into one and say: And suddenly the years flash by
and it fades into a Horizon Sky
Smooth sailing, this one! ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Geremia

Sat, 2015-08-22 17:28

Thanks, I will take another

Thanks, I will take another look.

joe

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2015-08-24 15:46

Hi Joe

Having line 5 not rhyme reinforces the suddenness contained within the line. You clever thing you lol........stan

Geremia

Tue, 2015-08-25 10:24

That was my edit :)

thanks, Stan

Joe

author comment

Lonnie

Tue, 2015-08-25 16:13

Hello Joe,

It's all been sai, but I will ad that this reads really well and it makes its point vehemently albeit with fewer words than some would have used. Good stuff Joe!

Geremia

Wed, 2015-08-26 10:18

Thanks, Lonnie. Not so subtle

Thanks, Lonnie. Not so subtle a message. Been to neurologist yesterday, I haven't sailed yet.

joe

author comment

Sparrow

Fri, 2015-08-28 04:16

Joe

A short and very good write, I use to write for people in pubs, cafe's, and places, this reminded me of one I wrote for a bloke in the Mayflower pub in Ottawa, he gave me a tea shirt from the Bulldog restaurant in Vancouver for doing so, that was back in 1990's I think or it could have been the 70's, here's what I wrote all those years ago:-

Ship

I met a ship on the Ocean
Its sails all ripped and torn
With two of its masts broken
Will it reach the distant shore

Was it beautiful or
Will it become beautiful
Or has it never changed..
Yenti

Profound or something I wrote so much and still write but more correct way due too Neopoet teachings lol.
Take care young Joe and know we are walking with you, Yours, Ian..

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Geremia

Fri, 2015-08-28 09:49