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Rye Eyes

Submitted by Esker on Mon, 2017-01-02 06:19

Vodka made me cheery
but the whiskey made me
mean
Back then I was grooving
I was thin
and I was lean
Hanging on the telephone
sitting in the chair
glad to get out make
the moves and
Blow the stink out from
the lair

She was lavendar and
honey she was darkness
of the scene
she was crooked
and quite broken
but I Loved her
what she'd seen

Dirgibles of egos
lowriders of pizzaz
dressed in the knock
off outfits very clean with
much of crass

spoke with impediments
of hues each word a dusted
jewel
lay falling in narcotica
a down and outer rue'd
(when cheap and tattered
wasn't cool)
we blew out all
the rules....
sailed silk ships of
sharpened shivers
quivering in exotic
air
The edge was always
calling home
the wheels we rolled
allowed our roam
serpentine hands
and boa arms
slithering
it all crawls
like the shadows
down the walls
we were each
others hunger
Living each
others dreams

till

..

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Sparrow

Tue, 2017-01-03 03:40

Sparrow's picture
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This piece is strong but to me it falls in and out of rhyme a few times so gave me a staggered read.
It lost some of your normal excellence with the odd rhyme..
Another story from near your bed post.
Have a great new year young Wolf and good hunting,
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Esker

Tue, 2017-01-03 11:50

Esker's picture

the whole ending has jumped away
from the rhyme..
Ive done it before in jumps but it worked
better then!!...ah well..
cant win em all...
Thank U Ian!

Mr Wolf

author comment

Sparrow

Tue, 2017-01-03 19:20

Sparrow's picture
Volunteer badge

The keys on this laptop just talk to you,
as I drift my hands over their form.
My logic is from you as I have read your poem.
Sometimes the story of mine is confusion.
I see you sit there with a sad look as the year passes,
Never fear those that have journeyed on.
Their love and your acceptance bridges the gap.
There sits a man mending nets with a song in his heart,
He waits for the next fishing trip.
My Father bless him journeyed on in 1963, I see him walking there with his favourite Bull, a three foot pole and a clip that joins the nose ring of the bull, this is how he walked the creature in the early days.
The children I talk of do not visit me so much now, as they have taught me enough, so that I can talk of their world.
Steve, I fear not to journey on from here as I know that they will be there as I need to talk to them.
I am always talking to Loved of the cave I have, it is there and all that I need to put in it, but that is too much info..
My book "One Love Two Worlds" explains the purpose of the children, and a place I have told them I will go and help them.
It is a long story, but one day in the quiet of the betwixt sunrise and evenings glow, I shall talk to you of it.
Take care young Wolf
You have a journey to complete,
and new horizons to run to,
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

lovedly

Tue, 2017-01-03 13:14

lovedly's picture

https://www.neopoet.com/faq/answer/how-do-i-download-my-work-neopoet

then thank jess

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