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THE PRETENDER -- Italian version added

THE PRETENDER

He thrust his fist
to the heavens
and cursed the gods
in defiance
to claim his divine right
and alliance
with Dark Ones
who judge and condemn all Creativity
with mellifluous drippings
of false eloquence,

The Muses all
covered their faces
veils mourning black
and took to hidden places
for fear of an attack
and that one of his arrows
dipped in venomous bile
would find its mark
in their own heart

IL PRETENDENTE

ha spinto il pugno al
cielo e
ha maledetto gli dèi
a dispetto
a reclamare il suo diritto
divino
e sull'alleanza
con quegli Scuri
che giudicano e condannano
tutta Creatività con parole di mele
le quali cadano falsa eloquenza,
dalla lingua

Le Muse coprono
le loro facce
veli nero di lutto
e fuggono in luoghi nascosti
per paura che una delle sue frecce
immersa in velenosa bile
trovi il suo fine nel
loro cuore stesso

Editing stage: 

Comments

I really enjoyed the rhyme and mythological references in this poem. It reminds me of Goethe's poem "Prometheus". I really loved the line "mellifluous drippings of false eloquence" and if I could make a suggestion, it would be to bring more word choices like that into the second stanza. If you decide you agree with the suggestion, I would recommend starting with "veils mourning black". I think that's also a lovely phrase with a lot of potential.

Thank you and I hope you don't mind my suggestions.

Critique, don't comment.
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www.lettereddandy.xyz

Thanks. I will make the change.

joe

author comment

with mellifluous drippings
of false eloquence,

How can eloquence be false if it is eloquence, and the honeyed words not be sweet if they are mellifluous?
The opening of this poem is clumsy, forced and unnatural in its choice of and style of language. It doesn't get much better in the second "verse" either with that contradictory reference to false eloquence either - and quite who these capitalized "Dark One's" are is anybodies guess mine is that they must be a figment too far for you to be able to write about succinctly and without the operatic overtones you seem to love so much. What are you trying to say? Where are these muses and why cover their faces only to hide away ?
This is worthy of a bad Bizet wannabe but not of poetry.
Why don't you try cutting it down, keep a consistent meter, introduce the characters so that we have an idea what your talking about and explain just who this mysterious HE is ?

Jimm

I tend not to comment on bad poetry, Jimm. That is why I haven't written anything on yours.

author comment

You are no WEIRDELF. I've learned a great deal from him. You simply spew 'MELLIFLUOUS FALSE ELQUENCE [translated] = you don't know much of the arts, and,therefore, try to impress with the moat uninformed and vile critique,

author comment

no I am no wielder and he is no jimm stevens nor would he want to be as i don'y wish to be him but this is the sort of defense you have to you muddled and absurd poem - perhaps absurdity is what you were aiming for , if so then it is not as absurd as it could be if you weren't then you failed on both accounts. Now what is false eloquence can you explain it rather than repeat it? And do you claim eloquence in this poem above because it strikes me a quite ordinary and lacking eloquence if anything. And please point out to me the artistic merit that you have written into this, let's start with something simple . Meter ? No none to be found here. Grammar definitely none here. Originality - well I can't understand half of it to judge. Musicality ? what with mellifluous false- eloquence in there follow by the dark one's and the mysterious He - no. Sorry failed on all accounts. now ask the great Elf if he thinks your poem of ANY merit and if he true to his word he 'll answer just like Rumpelstiltskin did and find a grain of gold in straw you bring.
jimm

I have a tongue , Jimm, but I said all I need to say, No more replies from me. I only deal with those who use reason and whose opinions I honor.

Ciao,

J.Longo-Geremia

author comment

I'll comment on your poems however and continue critique until you realize that your inadequate translations of rhyming Italian verse can be improved with a little application. Ciao porgo dio.
Jimm

I like this one! Imagery was brilliant - and your point came across in dramatic style. I am no expert when it comes to critiquing poems but I can see nothing to improve.

Hope you had a nice holiday and a wonderful new year.

Love Mand xxxxxx

Thanks, Mand !

Love, Joe

author comment

The Presidente of the committee
knew a poet on which he took pity
he gave him a medal
a bike and a pedal
and told him ride round the city.

The writer was really delighted
it felt as if he'd been knighted
he got on his prize
with a gleam in his eyes
like a rocket that had just been ignited.

The poet felt special, important -
el presidente had given endorsement
his writing grew rich
but he rode in a ditch
and damage his head and his organ.

I will respond to this: bad taste. I have Parkinson's disease as did my mom and it has caused complications beyond my knowing, So I guess I did "fall in a ditch and hit my head.""

I was raised a Roman Catholic and I believe there is evil in this world.

I have come close to death twice. Anger and hate cannot be in my soul. Your remarks go beyond a critique of my poetry,

Christus tecum, Jimm

Joe

author comment

So you do take poetic liberties after all.
Jimm

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