for some the normality of normalacy is malignant in the fiery soul
I know some who said....I am just settling...and they did...fighting every corner
for ground
as it is now they have a shared mortgage..children whom they love
indiscretions and separate vacations...
She still visits the old haunts in the beginnings that are cost effective.
wandering in the old glories...but even now...from twenty to fortyish
the magic dust of those years has faded..

I hold onto the memories...keep em alive in stories to her
we had many times I could have went to her..
but always since her decisions threw up the wall..
like good neighbours...keep our bodies in check
perhaps not the will...the old magic...

she is bright ambitious doors opened
she worked hard....
thats the ongoing....surviving...
I like the ideal of the old flame smouldering
coming to life in special seasons when we
used to meet....our partners let us
In the words of my present woman..
'He knows what side of his bread is the butter!'

another I know
stayed single....climbed the corporate ladder
married..hubby passed....money is not an
issue...nor backing...parents shelter her still
has too....that high up...the compound of
physical social has to be set...
interested in me but being the rambler and
she being in control all her life....it did not work
well...not on paper...

still...she haunts my page on another site
saying nothing....we are now beyond words
but she lingers.....
and some are just fiery..
so i have let up on her...paying attention like
I do to my pack....but I have always a few
its just the old business that i did long ago

I came from small towns and lived in cities
for long enough to get a feel...and i thrived
and survived well...offers for greater solidity
but i was with someone who had not yet gotten
their ground...so i enjoy working towards their
goals...then just cutting them adrift.
what I do...

another....natural beauty..brilliant...but driven
she brokers her deals and if u can you just
accept....the catch is the men she likes and
are drawn too are total show runners...
their hope is she will fit happy in their heart
shaped box....course that will never happen
boredom comes too easy....the greater drives
which are not that connected to the emotion
of reason scorch the confines of the latch
and freedom arrives...run and release

at the moment shes settled....i realize she can
adapt..she doesnt need the finery this man
offers her...I truly understand the out there
impact the crazy men gave her...
that song they played on Eli and I used to
hear on FM radio when I was a teen in the
early eighties...'Ringing my bell'
there are those who only truly feel and experience
the fullest at the most wildest..
the calm and what would be wonderful and fulfilling
to some isnt it......and the high reachers love the
excitement of their energy..all consuming
the obsession and maintenance
but U either can live on that kind of a burn
as life...and the quiet times or nothing in between
studied these people all my life....
they are my friends.....

since sobering up this time...the clarity is totally
here unlike last....where i would say..fuck it
here is this reason and that to get wasted...
not this time....
when i woke up on this road trip realizing i was
living the life did I go...uh...I think I am like these
people....before I was like...ah..Meh...I can do a
great job here being like them....but then the total
trust...incorporation of movements..nope...
ur either one of them to get in that close and
exist pull along them and ahead of them or
your not..

now the settling....
I settled....I had too...and I wanted it...
I can have what I want...
in me to get it....or it just walks up
and says hello and we run with it from there..
not the usual reality for most...

what is the value

we want the settled to grow more fiery
become just as daring..impulsive
adaptive when the fire fizzles..
the energy goes towards living on that
level and not the comforts of house
cable..internet...pets....clothes..insurance
and debt connect to family for what they
gave us.....
always a biggie...

and the romance suffers from the grinding
which all do..
value...

both my girls know they are settling at twenty
something....so they are not blind..and equally
within days weeks they can find someone
how they run and operate...

at least four people i know busted their asses
for others.....difficult people to begin with
rare for any to live with them....just the way
they are.....the costs of divorce settlement
and anyone over six months in canada is
considered common law and assets are
equally divided....let along child support
if marriage is there...natural children and
step....that is natural....but its costly in a
nasty end sometimes...

another i know just thew everyone under
the bus....but today has a big property
worth over a hundred fifty grand...
and struggles....so she has it all...
but at what personal cost...

i got fifteen cents in my pocket
on the pie chart majority of money
is just keeping everything afloat
here and at my place
just barely there...
cant even afford a bus pass
but the walking keeps me in shape
so i focus on the value of work
and discomfort...
and actually been meeting others
who are doing well hanging on out
there....stripped of jobs by retiring
etc..suprised at the good they see
and find in their walks and existance
and bumping into likeminded chewing
on the edge ..

ive actually had fine offers...and turned
them down.....i know that the excitement
and challenge living with the challengers
is more my value then the comfort of
turning myself into a house cat...house wolf
who loves loping the land and cityscape...

when u pull the plug and make the moves
the things get better or worse but U do
find yourself..I dont rue any of the moves
i did.....everyone is driven to get what they
want......but the more flexible the better...
i never wanted to live in any cage setting
its not me....
i come and go and it works

fifty three....i still think open minded
dont take no bullshit...speak my mind
and am also quieter..
which allows others to move in
check me out...
which they are doing

i am happy here...but i know
the One i have in mind
and should that present itself
i have paid my debts here
kids grown...settled...
i can move adapt anywhere
now...not afraid of the world
as i once was...

perfect...no...everyone has the grind
days.....but there are beautiful moments
my people i chose to be with did not have
the moments of youth i had...
nice to help out nice memories for them
they need me more...once they get their
what i wants settled which is peanuts for
me on the grand scale
and I do have My moments

life is interesting is it not?

we have a great country
i chose to live in the town like cities
i love the lake and woods close enough
that when i truly need them....
in a half hour walk....im there...

but I hear you Lavinia

thanks for the input and reconnection

Mr Wolf!