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one by one

Submitted by Esker on Tue, 2011-01-25 00:00

I miss how we slipped together
like darkness
like a shadow
filling the hearts polished lonliness
Saturated with stars
we counted them all
till one by one they fell
and I awoke

dreamless and
wished away

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

pleiades

Tue, 2011-01-25 05:34

the only critique i can offer is the spelling of
'loneliness" , and " 'til"

and to perhaps consider having
it as 2 stanzas ...

"I miss how we slipped together
like darkness
like a shadow
filling the hearts polished loneliness

Saturated with stars
we counted them all
'til one by one they fell
and I awoke"

for me, the pause between
the line ending "loneliness"
and the line beginning "Saturated...",
gives emphasis to the emotion

i know you don't use random words in
your poems ... each word, each phrase
is a deliberate thought from you ...
a deliberate intention ...often, with a
meaning that the reader doesn't fully grasp

with that in mind, i tell you what i get
from this poem ;

regret
sorrow
acceptance

loss ...so beautifully expressed

i could read your longer writes forever ...
but of late,
your shorter writes carry
a profundity, and a potency
that is very moving

i love this write

p

Esker

Tue, 2011-01-25 07:09

Esker's picture

Thank You for suggestions
"lonliness saturated with stars"
was the best I could come up with
imbued is a poor overused thing
spattered is too Jackson Pollock
it was a visual cue there are so
many moments of happiness
against all that feared darkness

I like the break though It gives it
a whole different context and feel

"a shadow filling hearts lonliness"
that would be the end line above
it

"and saturated inside with stars"

would be the follow
but I could be wrong Then Im into
the longer renditions
smoother yes

I like what Seren has to say too
Different yes
a compliment also

running the same kind of poem out
was what was happening then in
the "Before Time"
Im trying very hard to shift it up some
I hope that its working

Poem is about time examining relationships
much bitterness all the stuff said done
thats regretted all the sad things left
in the wake

author comment

Kailashana2

Tue, 2011-01-25 07:35

I love this poem! And I think your poem just inspired me.

~A

Esker

Tue, 2011-01-25 12:17

Esker's picture

moving
retro small unit
with window

no telephone
no computer
going offline

radical shift

maybe I can get my hour
on the computer at the library
will see if Im around
as much

maybe I can get phone and
a second rate laptop
I cant foresee or forecast
it could rain
or hail

author comment

pleiades

Tue, 2011-01-25 12:44

yes, the break suggested would give it
a completely different feel and context ...
i didn't read it how you intended it

i'm reading it differently now
now, i find the pause comes after
the saturated with stars line, not before

thank you for your explanation

it should of course, stay as it is

p

loved

Tue, 2011-01-25 15:31

loved's picture

I Am But
A simple flickering candle,
How can I dare?
Show the sun my light!
If I had such a dream
Twere be never an end
Countless stars
would emerge
Till I counted all of them
I would have stayed
In my dream

loved

Esker

Tue, 2011-01-25 22:40

Esker's picture

you are right
stay in the dream
emerge forever the falling stars
the wishs never ending

I woke up
the trick that was
to stay asleep
like some poets did

I shall face sleep
I shall seek to stay asleep

how simple the most easiest
of solutions

they say death is like falling
asleep
no more no less

to count stars forever
the beauty of that
awe

I dont deserve to be here
thank You Loved

author comment

loved

Thu, 2011-01-27 11:08

loved's picture

my words misconvey
hence i shall not comment from today
this resolution
i make for a while
till i regain
my original style.

loved

Nordic cloud

Tue, 2011-01-25 15:52

Nordic cloud's picture

The drop ran down slowly
over the surface of the smooth stone,
enjoying its ride
to fall on rocks sharply
disintegrate
dissipate
sink into the earth

how beautifully you say things
Steven, beautifully.

Love Ann.

loneliness! spelling.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Esker

Wed, 2011-01-26 03:40

Esker's picture

yes Lone lone liness
longing
mashs in my head
and i drop the g
both come from the same
area
like lightening
its lightning
but im thinking lighten
like the flash lightens the dark
quickening
etc

just practise and discipline
thank You Ann

author comment
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