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never broken

Submitted by judyanne on Mon, 2010-11-15 01:34

Now here’s a first. I don’t feel like writing.
Too sad to care or to express the pain.
With my own inner soul I am fighting
wanting to know where and when is the gain.
I fail right now to see reason, purpose.
I sit as a melancholic black cloud
from deep within weaves, wends to the surface
then envelops me like a dark death shroud.
As memory loosens the old bandaid
never to heal, just covering, protecting,
the gaping wound at the exposure made
whispers, at edge of near-understanding:
a never broken life’s narrow vision
will never know the truth of illusion.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Comments

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-15 02:32

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I like this, depression come through clear and strong, with all its apathy and bleakness.

Two things: first,
"I sit as a melancholic black cloud
from deep within winds, wends to the surface"

To me, this means "I am a melancholic black cloud from inside (blowing) winds."
did you mean something like

"I sit, while clouds melancholic wend their winding way from deep within, up to the surface"?

Also, "a never broken" in the second-to-last line, I wantto read "unbroken" there.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

judyanne

Mon, 2010-11-15 02:43

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but this is sonnet form - sorry - i forgot to change the 'style' thingy before submitting - i'll rectify that now.....
- so i can't use all the words you suggest
- i will look at it again tho
thanks
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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judyanne

Mon, 2010-11-15 02:48

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thanks for pointing out how that word might read
i actually liked the winding and wending ,
but not winds and wending (if you know what i mean) (burp)
love
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-15 02:57

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Yes, I do know what you mean (hiccup)

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

scribbler

Mon, 2010-11-15 07:32

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memory loosening an old bandaid. What a great way of describing how memory won't let old wounds heal. I expect I know the source of this write and send my best wishes during this dark time........scribbler

Nordic cloud

Mon, 2010-11-15 12:52

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So sad I haven't seen almost anyone on Neopoets,
as to the sonnet I still haven't studied what that entails
so I cannot say anything about that.

I am made sad, for you if this is how you feel dear judyanne.
All my love annanya.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

ziggy

Mon, 2010-11-15 13:06

as memory loosens the old bandaid
never to heal, ,,,,,, thats my fav line ere
in this one, " at edge of near understanding "
that line interests me ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

magics02

Mon, 2010-11-15 19:03

Judy I must be in the same slump as you and you descriptive write here made a tear to my soul. I know how it is and I see also how it feels, sound crazy huh but it is real and your write on spot with this one.

Love and Hugs to you
Magics xoxoox

Geezer

Tue, 2010-11-16 22:13

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the agony, while giving hope that an understanding is just around the corner. My thoughts are with you. ~ Love, Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

judyanne

Wed, 2010-11-17 06:59

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i really appreciate the thoughts and all
truly, i'm okay....
i wanted to write a sonnet on the subject of depression/pain...
this was written from my memory.... i'm not feeling this way at the moment.....

so you've all given me a wonderful compliment.....

i'm sorry to make this a general thanks.... i've just taken on a management position at work for a while.... it's taking all my time and i'm exhausted when i get home
i'll catch up with everyone this weekend i hope.
love and hugs to you all
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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