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MY BOY JACK HONEY DEE !

Submitted by Jokerface82 on Tue, 2024-01-02 15:43

Spinning to heavy symphony losing
myself weighless on my feet. Head pulled
Back enjoying the vibration dancing around

through me. My pool hazelnut eyes glazed
and dreamy. While the end of daylight overlaps
the beginning of night.

The caress hug I gave you when I transported
you back so we can both relax and enjoy the
the emotions the ecstasy your taste the drug
instilled in your honey.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 12/31/23 to 01/06/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-01-02 21:44

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem presents a vivid and sensory-rich narrative, which is a strength in any piece of poetry. However, there are some areas where clarity and coherence could be improved.

The first stanza introduces a sense of movement and energy with phrases like "Spinning to heavy symphony losing" and "Head pulled Back enjoying the vibration dancing around." However, the meaning of these lines could be clearer. It's suggested to consider revising these lines to better convey the intended feeling or action.

In the second stanza, the transition from day to night is beautifully captured in the line "while the end of daylight overlaps the beginning of night." This line effectively uses imagery to convey a specific moment in time.

The third stanza introduces a new character, but it's unclear who this character is and what their relationship is to the speaker. The line "The caress hug I gave you when I transported you back" is somewhat confusing. Is the speaker physically moving this person, or is this a metaphorical transportation? Clarifying this could improve the overall coherence of the poem.

Lastly, there are a few instances of repetition that don't seem to add to the poem's meaning or rhythm. For example, "enjoy the the emotions" in the third stanza. Removing unnecessary repetition could make the poem more concise and impactful.

Overall, the poem shows promise with its rich imagery and emotive language. With some revisions for clarity and coherence, it could be even stronger.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Tue, 2024-01-02 16:00

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One of my favorites...I have some stories around that particular shot. Lol

~RoseBlack~

Jokerface82

Tue, 2024-01-02 18:21

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Yeah I love on a weekend my Jack Daniels honey !

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Ruby Lord

Wed, 2024-01-03 09:05

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It took a few reads for me to catch up with your ideas here, forgive me if I'm slow to catch on.
It's not my usual drink so I was a little confused at first.
It has a nice flow and a little more punctuation would improve it further for me.

I love this line: "while the end of daylight overlaps the beginning of night."
Well done, Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Jokerface82

Wed, 2024-01-03 19:18

Jokerface82's picture

I was talking in a pov version so I never mentioned carrying a bottle back etc lol it's cool thank you for reading. Yup Punctuation is always a bitch

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