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Line and Circle 2.0
What cut me in half?
I was a rolling tire
Leaving too many tread marks
On the backs that got too close.
Oh, how I mistook the Messiah;
Ring marks and
Broken wedding rings.
Misdirected by the Hungry Ghost.
Allergic to mirrors and responsibility;
Just a half circle on its back.
Fill me with ice cream and give me a lolly.
Oh, how I annoyed even myself.
A return to your kiss; a
Warm wet circle that
Tattoos a promise on my chest.
My heart and a second chance beneath.
Our skin is what separates and connects.
It is the line between you and I.
Please do not complete me.
I must do that myself.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I have just started to wield a smaller hammer with my prose. Trying to become subtler, create more imagery that requires the reader to do more work.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sat, 2021-10-02 10:02
More work?...
Man, I'm not sure that we are up for that! LoL I can see where a bicycle tire might leave a mark, if someone were to run over you with it, but not sure about how to reconcile the Messiah with a bowl of ice-cream and being annoying. I'm pretty sure that I get the connection of the skin and the completion of ones self. If making us work for the ideas behind your poetry is your intent, I think you are doing a great job, however, it may be too much work for some and your readership may be somewhat reduced. Go back to the bigger hammer on this one! ~ Geez.
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Owl Has My Soul
Sat, 2021-10-02 10:41
I'd be curious to hear more
I'd be curious to hear more feedback... I actually see great clarity of concept according to my internal muse. That may be the problem though lol. The concept of lines and boundaries. Full circle or half circle needing another to be complete. Mistaking the messiah is the line that cut me in half. And the tread marks too -- they were made early on life when I was a full circle. A half circle is a bug on back helpless. Ice cream into a bowl which also is a half circle. Asking to be filled with ice cream and given a lolly evoking being a needy helpless child, and annoying. The kiss offers the promise of a full circle (completion)
author commentOwl Has My Soul
Sat, 2021-10-02 10:34
Ah I see the confusion. I
Ah I see the confusion. I changed the first stanza to clarify that I was the bicycle tire leaving the tread marks. Not being tread on myself
author commentOwl Has My Soul
Sat, 2021-10-02 11:16
Okay I made some further
Okay I made some further edits for clarity -- realized you all couldn't read my mind lol
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2021-10-02 12:55
Better...
Now that you have clarified it, some of it makes more sense. I guess that your muse is a bit obtuse and you should use the small hammer on it, maybe break a couple of fingers or something. I understand being a bit vague and hoping that the reader will understand. I guess you and I have different views on what we use a hammer for. I use the hammer to break an idea down into small enough parts, so that it is understood better. If you use too small a hammer, you don't get too much of results, if using a really heavy one, you risk smashing it to bits so that it is unrecognizable! I'm thinking that you might use the ball-peen hammer on this one! ~ Geez .
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Owl Has My Soul
Sat, 2021-10-02 14:40
One more round
Another version fleshed out more... Needs continued work which I will do. I grow with feedback. This is the way.
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2021-10-02 18:04
This IS the way...
Now, you're hitting on all cylinders! I love what you have done! I also love the fact that you have left the last six lines untouched, and they are perfect as is! I call this one a success. Maybe you ought to call this style, emerging poetry?
Great job! ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Owl Has My Soul
Sun, 2021-10-03 08:33
Alright, it might be done.
Alright, it might be done.
author commentGeezer
Sun, 2021-10-03 09:18
Two...
thumbs up! ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Owl Has My Soul
Sun, 2021-10-03 11:48
Geezer -- I thank you deeply for the mini-workshop
That we created as this poem evolved. It so helps to refine and sharpen what I want to express.
A final question that I want to ask you. In my mind the unspoken last line that I hear and want to suggest to the reader is this:
Our skin is what separates and connects.
It is the line between you and I.
Please do not complete me.
I must do that myself.
Did this some across? I am wondering if I should add it at the end.
author commentGeezer
Sun, 2021-10-03 16:52
I think...
that it would be a fitting line for the ending. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.