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The House Waits (October Contest)

The glamour is fading - not a minor concern.
The spires stand rigid and tight. Porch
cushions can't disguise they're a
mound of dead flies. The scent
of pie is too spoiled to lure.

The House down the lane
is trying so hard to
draw the wary and
keep the scary
inside.

Within
is a hunger
for innocence and
terror. The spirits all
restless and cursed. So angry
at life and the living they abhor,
eating souls is what quenches their thirst.

The House cannot hunt, it must patiently wait.
For a choice and a Cross to be kissed. And a foot to be
placed on the creaky front step that it has never been able to fix.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

it sounds like that house is waiting patiently for the unwary. Trying to keep up appearances and make out that it is a nice house, trying to draw some nice people that it can scare to death! I would switch the first eight and the next five lines around.
It seems to make more sense that way. I think that you should go back and re-label it for the Halloween contest, not the Random Challenge. It should be the next one down. Of course, we see it as being the monthly contest alongside the title, so I think that the judge should figure it out, but you never know. Looks like a good entry to me. ~ Geez.
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The House of Usher.
Very good Jaimie. I felt the scare,
Mark
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What do you think of the visual layout? I wanted to suggest a drawing inward into the house and then have what is waiting inside grow bigger and bigger...

author comment

Also, any thoughts how to improve the line:

"that the foundation and all else just might burst."

The rhyme works but seems forced...

(Edited)

Maybe something like:

You'd lose you mind knowing what quenches its thirst.

(Edited again)

Okay I changed it...

(Edtited thrice)

Nope, changed my mind, better is:

"eating souls is what quenches their thirst"

solo workshop now ended.... lol

author comment

it is what is what has most relativity.
Mark
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