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Like a Leaf on a Breeze
And there you rest,
tawny on the barren steely limbs,
flickering like light reflected on the glass pane in front of you.
But not the sun. Not today
on this dry gray day
with the ashen sky over the frost-rimed ground.
Yet there you sit in your autumnal glory,
trembling in the January air.
An unlikely reminder of the summer.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Esker
Wed, 2016-01-20 18:58
consice and sweet
add just a drop!
and the season blooms
condensed...
made my powdered milk
today for coffee
to last till the cheques arrive
one part to four parts water
before it was throw it in
clumped...not caring
follow directs and alas
more daring...
a great poem
your eye and view
sees it in the artistic light
today was beautiful
golden dusk
slow careful drop of flakes
thank U
..
Rhiannon1010
Thu, 2016-01-21 12:02
Thank you for your thoughts
Thank you for your thoughts
I often find they are more melodic than my verses.
But how would you suggest I improve this poem?
Esker
Thu, 2016-01-21 19:51
good one!
re reading this trying to word it
abstractly
like my friend and I trying to get a
printer going
from a modern laptop
the printer is circa 2007/2008
driver update
its the language isnt it
perhaps..
"and there U sit..
tawny on the barren steeled limbs
flickering golden, a sun on the pane of glass before U
But no sun
not today
This dry grey day
ashen over the frost-rimed grounds
You spin there in ur autumnal glory
trembling in Januarys air
an unlikely reminder
of a pale sun
...
I say this is a pale comparison and it
doesnt really oppose nor applaud the
outline of your work
Much like a cover in music the mere
nuance change only...
I put in spinning...like the sun spins about
us..the old common notion or
we spin about the sun
flutter is more summery..butterflies
flit is the insect vernacular
I liked
"But not sun. Not today"
instead of "no sun. Not today
additions and subtractions with
words changes the value
I really like the original poem
but its my take on how I
have revamped it
I like the theory of the poem
how U see the leaves
..I hear the leaves
Oak leaves..poplars
hissing still in their way
with the pellets of snow
like sleet...almost like
their fuller green lush
sound in summer
as they catch the breeze
of a day or the night wind
I never thought to think
of them as sun fed
and Autumn is my favourite
time and name!
thank U!
Esker
Thu, 2016-01-21 19:53
line change to improv..
-"and unlikely reminder
a pale sun"
because even though the sun
is fierce....its pale to its strength
and might in summer! post-summer
there..finished!
thank U again!
lovedly
Fri, 2016-01-22 16:11
Esker sir my mind reels hope you hear
Rhi... is an old poet here
gone away long distance
with her dear
now to read me even
she does not come near
\wildernesses we all endear
i will try with my laps stop
CREATING FROM SCRATCH ...IS THE ARCHITECTS TASK OTHERS ONLY CAN ADD ON
MY UK LAPS STOP SAYS
Like a leaf on a breeze
Submitted by rhiannon1010 on wed, 2016-01-20 18:28
And there you rest,
tawny on the barren
steel limbs,
flickering
like the sun
reflected on the glass pane
in front of you/me
but not the sun
not today
on this dry grey day
with the ashen sky
over the frost-rimmed ground
yet there you sit
in your post autumnal glory,
trembling in the January air
an unlikely reminder
of the sun
that once was
(may be a shade better or a bit worse
in free verse)
Esker
Wed, 2016-06-15 10:17
drawn together the thoughtwork
dont remember the original but this rework is great!
its dreamy in a way I like
and seasonally atmospheric!
thank U!
scribbler
Wed, 2016-06-15 17:40
Hi
The only thing that doesn't seem to fit is "steel limbs".......I suspect you mean limbs that are steely grey but if so you might make that a bit clearer. Just a thought on a good poem........stan
Eduardo Cruz
Thu, 2016-06-30 15:36
Rhia,
The beauty of a single leaf you have written here, for me tells the story of two season in a glorious way.
Life and death painted so apropos.
You have shown a hidden secret that is not always seen or contemplated upon.
This poem has bought it to the light of day.
Thanks for sharing!
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
judyanne
Fri, 2016-07-01 09:54
i agree with Eddie
The beauty of a single leaf .... lovely write
A suggestion - you have used the word 'sun' in each stanza.... too repetative perhaps?
slight changes ??
And there you rest,
tawny on the barren steely limbs,
flickering like sun reflected on the glass pane in front of you.
(a flickering of light reflected.....)
But (it's) not sun. Not today
on this dry gray day
with the ashen sky over the frost-rimed ground.
Yet there you sit in your autumnal glory,
trembling in the January air.
An unlikely reminder of (the sun.) summer
Just imo
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rhiannon1010
Sun, 2016-07-17 10:57
Thanks
Thank you for pointing that out! I hadn't noticed and I think you are right about it being too repetitive. I'll see what I can do.
Keith Logan
Sun, 2017-04-02 21:29
You made me think
The beauty of a single malt .... lovely thought.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Keith Logan
Wed, 2016-07-20 05:08
my only thought for change is the last line, of lost summer.
It may be worth leaving the original poem in place with the later version above it. This would let those who come late to the party see what the discussion is about.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Esker
Fri, 2016-08-05 02:09
Re read this again
woke up from dreams in the heatwave
filled humidifier..had a smoke
Listening to Chelsea Wolfe
August..Autumn
September the cold and fog
returns...
this heady heat
and stillness will abide
schools return and work
celebrations of harvest
the longer nights and
earlier dusk before
winter proper
for me...Your poetry
is beautiful
I bask in the words
..and I shamelessly
Love what I love
be it music
poetry
etc
Thank U!
weirdelf
Sun, 2017-04-02 17:52
ah, whenever Judyanne has given crit
there is nothing more for me to say.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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