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Lament

Lone piper playing the sun’s rays away,
It stirs the many that are graced today,
To hear of his sorrow being there alone.
Though he is not, the sound strikes home

A love torn youth who’s tears will fall,
As a single note on his ears heard call
That he should tend to his lady love so
Her heart breaking, she had let him know

That troubles had sculled about her door,
her father’s wrath she could take no more
The mournful call of the piper's play
Touched her ear as she left that day

To walk that lonely strip of land
Where Angels beckon a soul to stand
At heaven’s gate awaiting both to be.
Two hearts broken, by the piper's fee.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
NB:- A lament plated on the pipes across a piece of water carries notes that are felt deep inside as these two lovers felt, the girl could not stand the stress, maybe the boy would follow.. Watched "The Dead Poets Society" this evening again, there by the waterside was a lone piper, I think that he should have played again later in the film.. One thing that did stand out apart from the brilliant film was the spelling of Honour on one of the schools Banners at the beginning of the film it was spelt with no"U" this seemed out of place for a school who's honour would have been from a long time before the new word was born or am I wrong ????? "Picky aint I ??"
Editing stage: 

Comments

it seems that many of the spelling and grammatical traditions have been dropped early on for a simplified, standardised set that have been used throughout the new states to date. I am not aware of the dates but it would appear that they worked on it consistently from day one, with readers and lexicons, workbooks, and such, from decade to decade. I may be wrong, but that was the impression I got from English studies in the U.S.

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

And what of the poem ???? LOL

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
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author comment

Hi Ian what a sad but lovely write pulled my heartstrings gr8 poem much enjoyed Sueb x

Thank you for your comment and I am so glad that you could feel the story, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
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author comment

dear Ian.T. I am still processing the "interference" form the film, its dynamics, and effects on me. I am particularly drawn at this moment to that one scene where Ethan Hawke stumbles toward the snow laden wharf-jetty and hurls his school boy lunch at the news of his friend's demise. The import of that segment in itself is enough to distort my judgment of the poem and how I receive it. But I promise to be forthcoming with my response to the poem. Have a pleasant day, amici.

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'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

this one was filled with a hint of sadness, nostalgia and calm melancholy I have come to associate with your poetry.

I identify with that, and enjoy the poem. The metre was not consistent, but the reading was natural.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

Thank you for your read and good comment as I am very long in the tooth But not long enough for metre's, I will always have trouble with correct form, so please forgive this old one lol. Thanks for your visit the film ended about 11-30 last night and I wrote this after the end so it wasn't that long , Thanks again, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

This is really something else your writing of late has been superb there are some great lines in this one but my favourite stanza is the last beautiful beautiful beautiful

To walk that lonely strip of land
Where Angels beckon a soul to stand
At heaven’s gate for the an eternity.
Two hearts are broken, the pipers fee.

Bravo

with love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

As always thank you for your comment and the piece that you liked, I was in a hurry so maybe I will look at the Metre soon, Take care and sleep well out there, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

After the day we had today I will be looking forward to sleep it got to 45 today I felt like I couldnt breathe it was that hot ... hope your having a grand day

with love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I am soooooooo cold and it is going to snow tomorrow and I am driving to the grim north where it is even colder. Lucky 45 I'd trade places with you anyday

thats 45 degrees celcius lol damn girl I been living in Australia since I was 6 weeks old and I cant take that heat give me the cold ANYDAY haha smiles

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

A couple of niggles. You know I have a thing about inversion for rhyme
A love torn youth the tears freely did fall,
A single note on his ears they did call

Also
At heaven’s gate for the an eternity.
Two hearts are broken, the pipers fee.
marries a weak (unstressed) rhyme with a strong (stressed) rhyme, which is part of the meter irregularity William referred to.

Actually for a poem without a strong metric style is does generally flow very well.

Good one.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
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Thank you for your visit and input I will have a look at those points and see what I can do.
I am very busy at the moment, did you ever see "The Dead Poets Society" it is really a great film..
You take care out there and try to keep cool, thinking of you all,
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

am just about to watch it again.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Turned away by her harsh father for her choice of boyfriend. Unacceptable to the family.
So completely misunderstood until I read about the dead poets society which I think was from a bygone era?
Agrred with Jess.Actually too much agreeing with Jess but loved the mistaken concept of mine rather than the dead poets society

Just fiction and a girl that could not have her boyfriend losing the will to live, the lament by the piper drifting to both her and her boyfriend and her death at the end. I will let you know when I write factual pieces lol.
Must have sounded convincing which to me is a good write.
Thanks for dropping by, Yours Ian.T

PS:- You don't think that I would treat my children so ???????

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Leicestershire isn't very far. Maybe I should drop by on my interminable money making journey up north?
Traditions and emotions affect ones ability as a parent especially in religious foreign cultures so no didn't think it appropriate for standard British dad or you!

We are very traditional people, and very much retired, I use to write for people, but have long since stopped, we are spiritualists so have lots of other things to do.
I have so much work to catch up on that it may take a few years lol I record lots of things, just had to attend to a talk, now, as Sadie just popped in for a chat, it's 11-55 pm for us, but they have no time.
But I am a night owl, and the wife an early bird, I write for mostly fun now and lots of times am up late tapping away, just a few comments to answer tonight so no panic. One day when you are passing through you may like to pop in but there is plenty of time.
You take care down there and have a great day tomorrow, thanks for replying again,
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

When the pipes play one can't help but think of tragedy. I (gasp!) agree with Jess about the Yoda speak. Minor inversions can be fine but the 6th line is pretty seviere. Now last line can be remedied easily by deleting "are". A lovely sad poem.............stan

A Magic that lets Stan and Jess agree well this must be one of the best pieces this year rotflmao..La La...
Great to have you visit Frenchf thought it was my daughter do I sound that bad, I shall go join Killer and be blood thirsty.
Again thanks for your comments I will have to stop that inversion way of talking sounds like Yoda so it does lol, Teach you we must.
Thanks again, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I am a little archaic, and old, but have changed the words to stop a scold . Also in the piper's play have put an apostrophe, I also paid his fee, better to pay him than the ferry man, with him a bag of air not a rattling can LOL
Thanks again, Yours Ian.T

Sock, hole, foot in, foot out, No word of God will you shout.. La La,
Sparrow

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

you are the only one who renders the bestest comment
so continue will you

don't complain
now I've read you too...

loved

Heed the sounds of the sacred pipes, they are an Omen, or Oh shit, who's making that bloody noise, at this time of the day I'm trying to sleep.
Thanks for dropping by, always hope you drop in, especially when I am all at sea with my thoughts LOL.
Don't mean it really I am just Mean, take care of you, have you in my thoughts, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Like a ballad, the title too, Lament,
I hear it; and you sing it well Ian.

Hope you are warm yourself, here its cold.
Love Ann of the north.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I have seen the weather that you are having, it is trying to push our South Westerlies away to drop that nasty white stuff on us. You know very well a change in weather of any sort or even the wrong leaves on the railways causes havoc here lol. Thanks for your write on this one.
You keep warm and have a dram for me, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

This poem reminds me of the lone piper who played
in Glencoe, every evening as the sun went down,
I think it was, later for the tourists, but every day
until he died. My sister would know his name etc.
living in Scotland.

Every New Year one hears them in the night sky.
My sisters grandchild played them this year.

Love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

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