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kush

Submitted by Esker on Sat, 2015-08-01 08:21

wall fall
we weak wanted
legs to transport
when will was washed
away in winter ways
a writer stays
stilled in shocked
silences
sluice heat
empty seat
chills and drafts
an echo chamber
mumble screens
the broadcast thunder
thin shinning jets
up through the night
to stars foresight
stall all
words
stuck
stacked
dishes starve
obtuse alone
and empty
once loves
cup is broken
and
now
empty
...

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

vandiemenspeak

Sun, 2015-08-02 01:39

vandiemenspeak's picture
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I was drawn into this, skimming down the stream - it has something pure and heart-wrenching about it, like listening to Nick Drake. At once mysterious and yet also seems to pick out a specific moment caught in time - then lost from a cup. A quiet elegance is given to time, that need not be categorized. Nice. The line "thin shinning jets" - was that meant to be "shining" - then it could be a sensory perception?

Thanks for this.

Cheers mate.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

Esker

Sun, 2015-08-02 03:49

Esker's picture

streamlining or compacting verb endings
the question of the noun or verb with no
connecting word creates the free form
abstract of movement

'empty' for me i feel even in free form
to be studiously correct I should have
put down 'emptied'
a more classier ending
two very different meaning from the
personal perspective of the reader

our internal mind mapping flips
through the thousand schematic
to find the patterns...speech
or in reading word flow

because News Papers do not write
news in rhyme or reason oft
but careful methodical placement

'wall fall' pretty much sounds like 'awful'
run together...

'kush' sounds like 'tush'
and cushion...or bottom
which it was meant to be...
a cushy ideology of life
especially love
a rather frail and complex
tricky business

winter...but its a setting
to describe how people
blow hot and cold often
the windowview
jets shining...i forget the e
part on word extension
or dont care.
thus minus punctuation too

'stall all'

return to pattern at intro
'wall fall'

just a window view looking to stars
aspiration and then the loss of
it....like a dream falling..reverse
of ol icarus
no lift....
hopeless
spinning down

words stuck
people stutter
slip and fall
upside down
peanut butter

just shuffling words
the proper idea about
putting it down
one wants to put
it proper

but this trimming
words....
thats hard too
its like try this word
leave off that
stitch it together
with a pattern line
recognized..draw
back the readers
focus

dishes dont starve
people do
but people associate
items
cultures....
breaking the dishes
celebrates
removes spells

or causes curses...

the use of stall
fall
starve
stuck stacked

deck is stacked

the dish is alone
like the cup
so where did Love go?

dishes so there must be
more cups...
not freezing in there
wash another

its a set
echo chamber
the rooms

i used to watch the aircraft take off
standing at my window
sorting things out in my head

legs to transport..

I was flat..and usually I can just keep
moving...
but sat..Not physically
but stillness for once

how has the setting changed
why has the setting changed

dont know who Nick Drake is
but will check this chap out

all well on my end with
muses...
i have to write this
they come through see what
im up too now and then

thank U

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