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for a jaunt

Submitted by Esker on Mon, 2017-04-03 18:40

limbs are swaying with the gusts
singing sonnets to the brush
clouds are running in the rush
thinning hairs become all fussed
this walk the lonely solitaire
refresh the air in craniums lair
frustrations pent up simmering
dare

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Mon, 2017-04-03 23:01

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rhyme and rhythm! Feeling that pent-up frustration for sure! My guess is cabin-fever? I can't wait for Spring, myself. Feeling kind of penned in too. Now that I'm not working, I don't go out much except to go shopping or doctor's appointments. Maybe next door to neighbor's. My brain seems fogged and I'm trying to breathe more deeply and get some fresh air into the brain's lair. Some really nice work here! You still make me feel like I'm there. ~ Gee.
.P.S.
I'd change the [the] in line - 3 to an [a].

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jane210660

Tue, 2017-04-04 06:32

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Jaunty indeed.
Beautifully captured.
No crit.
Jx

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Keith Logan

Tue, 2017-04-04 15:14

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the form fits the subject. You have chosen to use eight beats per line instead of the more usual ten. This imparts a sense of urgency to the read which perfectly reflects the subject matter. The rhyme also comes over more subtly than is common which does not draw the readers attention away from the meaning you would convey.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
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