Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

As It Is Written

Where one’s mind goes,
the Man will always follow.
Are you paying attention
to what may be tomorrow?

Faith always agrees with God
and the messages of His Word.
Take random thoughts captive.
Is it Him, that you’ve heard?

Be freed from mental bondages;
improve your thinking today.
Read the Biblical instructions
and get a new life underway.

Meditate on the Scriptures.
Reduce your inner turmoil;
Pray for the presence of God
and be covered with holy oil.

Faith’s power usually comes
in the form of revelation-
from a relationship with Him,
as part of His eternal nation.

Author Notes:

Loosely based on:
Josh 1:8; Rom 6:4,11, 13:14; Mark 4:24

Learn more about me and my poetry at:
http://amzn.to/1ffo9YZ

By Joseph J. Breunig 3rd, © 2014, All rights reserved.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Although I am reluctant to comment on any works that are marked with "not actively editing", I would like to say that I really enjoyed the poem's rhyme and rhythm.

Here is why I am reluctant to comment on works not being edited: I just have to make a suggestion if I can think of one, but I don't know how the poet will react to getting that sort of feedback when they're not asking for any. Anyway, I hope you don't mind, I do have a few suggestions:

There is one small place where I feel the rhyme was somewhat forced. That is on the line "Is it Him, that you’ve heard". Part of the issue is that I am confused by the line before it, "Take random thoughts captive". I know it is supposed to be a new thought because of the period followed by the capital letter starting the next line, but I want to read them as connected, such as a cause and effect, instructions or something similar. The other part of the issue is that I want to read the line as "Is it Him, who/m you’ve heard" (I believe it is whom, but that often sounds wrong in English, doesn't it?).

You see, it's not the actual rhyme that's the problem for me; the combination of other small issues in the lines just materializes as "Maybe the rhyme is forced?" to my ear. Thus my suggestions would be to consider replacing "that" with "who" and reworking the capitalization and punctuation, or at least finding a way to better differentiate the thoughts so that it is clear that the meanings are not dependent on each other.

Lastly, I want to end on a good note and say that as I read I was really concerned that whatever rhyme followed "turmoil" would sound forced, but I really like the way you finished that stanza with "holy oil".

Note that I am not Christian, but I have studied the Bible in a fair amount of detail in Literature and Theology courses, so I hope my perspective can be appreciated. In the Bible there are so many different ways the stories present being blessed, such as being anointed with oil, or having the right hand of your father laid upon you and gifts being presented to you (in fact, some of the stories I find most fascinating are the stories of younger brothers taking their older brother's birthright of their father's greatest blessing, such as the story of Jacob and Esau and their father Isaac in the Old Testament). There is hardly ever just a plain ol' instance of someone saying "I want you to have my blessing" and no action to confirm it, so it makes the poem more cohesive with the scriptures that holy oil is used.

For instance, you could have written something along the lines of:

Meditate on the Scriptures.
Reduce your inner sin;
Pray for the presence of God
and be blessed by him.

However, what you actually have is much better, not only because my quick example doesn't fit your meter and is only a near rhyme, but also in terms of meaning, content, and being true to the books you drew inspiration from.

Critique, don't comment.
Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

www.lettereddandy.xyz

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.