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THE ICE COLD DEATH

Submitted by Jokerface82 on Sun, 2023-12-03 17:54

T hawed face like frozen death

H igh snarling winds stinging face dust

E ngine breaking slowly from steep walking

I m freezing inside and outside my
C ore. Crystal Atlantic blue hue numb
E nergy sapped from thin air above

C ondition critical and no hospital
O ld scent of dry wetness my
L oud rattling shaking body
D ust white powdered no visibility

D eserted alone a moon white snow
E arth under my crunching icicle feet
A n mountains shaped like an old hags tooth
T he high towered blanket of devil cream
H aggered, slated, jaggery grey the last I see!

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

12/23 Acrostic Poem Snowstorm

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-12-03 23:54

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "SNOWSTORM OF PEACE" employs vivid and strong imagery to convey a sense of struggle and surrender in a harsh, cold environment. The use of metaphors and similes, such as "My whole epidermis is like Atlantic cold" and "The mountains above me are like a shape of an old hag's tooth", creates a powerful sensory experience for the reader.

However, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation and syntax. For example, the line "Blue. My nerves in my body has gone" could be revised for clarity. The verb "has" should be replaced with "have" to match the plural subject "nerves".

The line "I tell myself it's a desert here" seems to be a metaphorical statement, but it could be confusing to some readers as it contrasts with the preceding imagery of a cold, snowy environment. If the intention is to express a sense of desolation or emptiness, consider using imagery that aligns more closely with the established setting.

In the line "Rocks peers ! whipping my frosty ski", the placement of the exclamation point is unclear. If the intention is to emphasize the rocks as peers, consider revising to "Rocks, my peers! Whipping my frosty ski".

The phrase "punching velvet sky" is an interesting juxtaposition of harsh action (punching) and soft material (velvet), creating a unique image. However, the meaning behind this metaphor could be clarified.

Lastly, the final lines of the poem could be more effectively connected to the rest of the poem. The phrase "I'm rolling over in peace" suggests acceptance or surrender, but it's not clear how this relates to the preceding struggle against the harsh environment. Consider revising these lines to more clearly convey the poem's resolution.

Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong use of imagery and metaphor, but could benefit from clearer syntax, punctuation, and thematic consistency.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Jokerface82

Sun, 2023-12-03 21:44