Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Hidden Love (To Serve Poet)

Hidden Love

I sit here listening to soft music.
Spirits of the Isles, touches my soul.
Racing as silent tides toward my shore
Gathered, then gently left for all to see.

Thoughts of things gone by, touch me now,
visions of things to come satisfy a need.
Where are those voices that echo love
I need them now, to fulfil a space in time.

Comfort in knowing our love is safe.
That you and I loved without earthly ties.
Come sit a while with me, here as one.
Catch with me our love, because I care.

The gentle flow of our thoughts are divine
Touch those feelings as they intertwine
Whisper our love and our before times
Let them echo in our thoughts and minds.

Remind me softly of those secret days.
Of love remembered in a special way.
Talk of eternally embracing thoughts,
living as one, yet with a great divide.

Give to me a taste of things that will be.
Once yours and my souls are set free.
That time will no longer hamper our affection.
Differing for you and me, loves perception

Let us share our friends we have now known.
Why we cannot let them go, as we journey on
They will talk with us, in the echoes of time,
fearing we would leave any of them behind.

Far from the shore we can feel secure
Let our true love drift for evermore.
That we can send our thoughts out there.
Beyond the reef away from this daily care.

Stay a while, I feel I need to talk of more.
To talk to you of all things we have done.
It is hard to find a place where it all began
Let your thoughts ring, rippling as sand.

I must rest my thoughts now, my little one,
another day unfurls loneliness has begun.
Always remember that I will love you so,
you are here, I can never, ever, let you go.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I have listened to the wisdom of all the words in critique, To be able to correct all of them I have now written the same work in another way saving some of the main theme, To change one word was to write a new piece so this has been done, just flow and rhythm to sort out. I have spent enough time here today must see to others works lol , I am in serious need of someone that is good at punctuation.. PS:- I have now removed the original and just left the rewrite, hope this is better, Also I want to know which lines are clichéd. Yours Ian.T
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

This is a good poem about reminiscing and looking ahead. Since this is a workshop post please let the participants know in which areas you feel this poem needs critique for improvement, other than independent evaluations ...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

As with all my pieces it was written in a hurry and the editing has not been done, I feel that it needs a clearer message in the flow.
The poem could be meditative if written better but other than that it needs a better flow. thank you for your ask,
Yours, Ian . T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

The title is a little too simple. Perhaps eluding somewhat (just somewhat, not a lot) to your intended audience would make a reader want to stop and take a stab. Honestly, if it wasn't in the workshop, I would have continued past it. Hello is too generic to grab a lot of people's interest.

That being said, the subject matter is cliché. And with all clichés they have to be so expertly written to maintain attention throughout. Your writing is usually strong enough to hold the reader. But not with a cliché. You need to get to another level. Of this, sir, I know you are capable. You have seen, heard, tasted, touched, smelled so many things in so many different ways than many of us will ever have or take opportunity to do. Share the whole experience with us. Not just the written form. Again, that's cliché. Take us to the place only you can take us. Get outside of your box and go back to each line and re-write in a way that sucks us into wanting to meet this person who states, "hello".

The rhyme schemes (intended or not) do not work. Where I expected a rhyme, there was none. Where I didn't expect it, there it was. I was constantly tripped up by this and that exposed many meter issues. My suggestion, albeit vague, stick to free verse or get to work on the meter because there is a lot of work that needs to be done there.

This poem has a lot to offer and has a lot of qualities in it that make it worth the time. Look forward to your response and edits.

Scott

Scott

Your critique is excellent there are many things missing from this piece and the title was a lost word.
I will I promise, write of some other things I know of, it is just finding the right words.
I have been on a journey that has given me perception beyond this life we live, and I was asked to write of it, but so far I have failed.
A perception of colours and thoughts only a gods imagination could talk of let alone a mere Humon such as me, places shown that are as heaven to many, and a way of life simple but more beautiful than anything we know here, if only I could use these things .
I shall try by not being so shallow in my works, where I will have to depend on think and take a lot more time in compiling the pieces I put out.
I notice that some poets take hours and some days to write a piece, where I would be very cross if I took more than an hour on one piece.
What I will do is now you have said, I will take a week or so to compile a piece of that other side and see if I can image its beauty here in a verse or two.
Thank you again for your talk, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Overall I like this poem. But I think at least when you divide a sentence into 2 lines you need to use punctuation and capitalization to make the reading easier. Now for some alternatives for you to smoke over :
S-1,l-3 delete "a"
S-3,l-1 delete "a"
......l-2 delete "so"
S-5.....entire stanza is exceptional
S-6,l-2 change when to once
S-7, l-3 change talk to share or converse
S-8, l-4 try... far from the shore
S-9, l-1 comma between while and I
Use what you please (if anything) then toss the rest........stan

I will have to have a go at this piece with thoughts of your words to assist.
Thank you for your visit, Take care,
Yours Ian.T
PS:- have a look at the reply I gave Scott please

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Its nearly 4am here I am nodding off I have taken a copy of this and I am going to make some suggestions and add some thoughts posting it tomorrow night...

my love always Jayne xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I look forward to your views on this one, I hope that you are well enough to be working at the workshop.
There is plenty of time to get back to us, but it was a joy to see you here,
Yours as always Ian.T xx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Yes, the poem still reeks of cliche, it is almost impossible to avoid in dealing with matters so deeply entrenched in the heart, however your deep, abiding love, compassion, the poignancy and yearning, the gentleness, integrity and honesty just makes it all ok by me.

This critique is no critique at all and breaks the rules of this workshop. I know you too well. So if I can forgive the cliche, please forgive my lack of constructive feedback.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

We will have to find a way of revitalising this workshop most of the poets seem to have stopped.
Probably a new directive from you would do the trick???
Thanks for your visit and crit, You take care out there.
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Kick the shit out of everything!
The most famous classic poems in the world could use improvement.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

As usual the critique of my writing is good, the suggestions of corrections are top line, I find with Neopoet that the level of critique is excellent, the only bug bare I have wit it is that there are far too many poets that write yet that is as far as it goes.
Each piece should have at least the number of comments as the number taking part in the workshop.
This is one thing that the stream is not so good at when I give out lots of critique even good crit, there are many that seem to think that there is no need to reply, this workshop should be one to one on comment and received crit.
I spend a great deal of time commenting on most poets and turn to my own works and find 4 have commented ,there is a lot of us needs to earn how to be part of the site.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I'm afraid that is not going to change in a hurry, no matter what incentives we put in place. Poets, to make a generalised profile are ego-monsters. If it is any consolation at all you will usually find that those who do choose to respond to your critiques are also the ones learning and improving.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

If only they knew how much they will learn by taking part,
Look after you young Jess, Yours Ian..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

think that you have improved this one. I felt that you were wearing your heart on your sleeve and it was confirmed in this re-write. I always appreciate your comments and critique and there are times that you make perfect sense. [To me]. I always read your critiques with the thought that you are trying to help and take them seriously. Better writing through good critique! ~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

Yes one of my bad things to wear my heart on the outside it is only so that you can truly see who and what I am.
I have with the being part of this company of friends here learned many things and hope that I have helped a few fellows along the pathway.
Gee sometimes it is hard to say to someone what a load of rubbish but I have learned to do it in a nice way lol.
With all the poets here I steal a little from them and apply it to the whole.
Digit was born out of Killer and Nevermore, as I wanted to know if I could write those stories, and many other writes that are an experiment and lesson for me, I have many teachers here and over there but as the trait of Humons is so bad I rarely write my so called soft poems for streaming.
If I haven't said it before, thank you for walking with us here,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Your level of critique has improved cosmologically. When you first started at Neopoet, I remember it well, you used to offer trite spiritual homilies and advice, You now offer solid poetic critique that provides room, without didacticism, for constructive poetic changes.
And I don't know if you've noticed, your own work has improved in direct proportion.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I use to try not to offend people but just give a gentle guide to the things that are wrong.
With your severe guidance lol I have improved as you have noticed and try to give correct critique on all I read.
It doesn't mean though that I am either a walk over or a soft shit, I learned from the Master some damn Aussie Gnome lol.
Also over the last few years I have taken on board the lessons you teach, and others that write in many differing styles, from the short lines of Esker to the lazy write of mine sometimes,
I thank you Jess for all the times we have walked together and the lessons I hope we have both learned from each other.
I will talk later or the key board will become fuzzy again lol.
Take care and enjoy the now with all you can give or take..
Yours as always, Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.