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Ground Up

Submitted by Simon Smythe on Sun, 2014-11-09 17:19

rip burn
fuck fight
first bloody star I see tonight
brown box
short lived
crucial lesson
stoopid div
bristle
clench
fume and fizz
grind
wind
mind mind
round wound
simmer down
kasha for breakfast for Coco Clown

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sun, 2014-11-09 20:03

weirdelf's picture
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I am intolerant to bad spelling and grammar, what the fuck is "stoopid div"?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Simon Smythe

Sun, 2014-11-09 20:45

Simon Smythe's picture

Div -

Originates from prison slang in the UK. A job often given to the lowest inmates was to put cardboard dividers into boxes. Someone given this job was a 'divider' or a 'div'. Now used as an insult to those who display stupidity.

example - you fucking div, you can't handle the stoopid

Hence the brown box . . . does this help?

author comment

Simon Smythe

Sun, 2014-11-09 20:47

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---what's with the impossible delete?

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2016-12-24 16:29

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thanks, got it now and repeal my crit of slangish spelling.

You mean how you can't delete comments? It's on the site's to-do-list. When I double post or say something unredeemably stupid I just edit, delete all the words and replace them with a .

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

againer

Mon, 2014-11-10 10:42

i thought this poem was great. the title matched the poem, i love the pattern. over all i think you did a great job :)

Race_9togo

Mon, 2014-11-10 16:53

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I could do with some punctuation for this poem, particularly "mind mind", which threw me a little until I put myself in English speaking mode instead of american - then I got it!
Good poem. Like the title a lot. The cadence is a little choppy because of some of the one-word lines, but that's okay, it works well. The theme works well; the feeling of drudgery you build into this piece fits exactly, as does the choice of words.
And I learned what a "div" is too. can't fault it.
Good work, keep writing.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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