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Gravity

Submitted by Rhiannon1010 on Wed, 2015-10-07 23:29

High up in the sky
I am born.
Misty convections of humidity,
The womb in which I formed.
Pressure changes squeeze and push,
Heralding my birth.
Then the moment!
I am falling into the world
Full of cold light and the rumble
Of my mother’s screams.
Down
Down
Down
I fall.
Living my life in the span
Of a moment.
Splat!
My body bursts
Wetly apart on the hard earth.
My life ebbs into a larger body,
Nourishing and cooling.
Down on the ground,
I die.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Thu, 2015-10-08 14:06

Esker's picture

serious they were famous...new york way...they dug me....
this is beautiful....its a fantastic voyage.....maybe cause I like
rain...hail I am not too fussy about....
the way you describe this is something that I have never
heard put like this before....
I like the use of the word "splat!"
I like your poetry greatly
you convey everything clearly with good word use
and a light touch
and that iconic feel...
Birth...herald...life...gravity being like time
an inescapable act in itself
and cooling nourishing line
I die
its like straight up...

me I admire snowflakes
cause im visual
slow motion high def
disco ball scene
I can hardly wait

your poetry is refreshing
thank U

Rhiannon1010

Thu, 2015-10-08 21:06

Rhiannon1010's picture

I value your input so much. I was thinking of switching the last two lines to add to a sort of symmetry, ya know?

High up in the sky
i am born.
....
....
i die
down on the ground.

What thinkest thou?

author comment

Esker

Thu, 2015-10-08 23:10

Esker's picture

the mirror transition
a lot of cinematographers..graphic art
sim art would translate
through my time I saw much great sublime
and subtle majesty

I like the "switch"
and your comment
because I never even considered
in all of this where that placement
would be of the transition

would it be considered the freeing
at the moment of the symbolic "birth"
or the use of "splat"
a much popular slang signage phonetic
oomph of the pop painters whom used
comix much popular
the twixt of refinement
and that addition was the lightness
like a radar beam or beacons sweep
like crowd watching..the eye scan
as those check...
purpose would be the cooling and
nourishing...the "literal" death
which in your work describes it
as an action..so its moving into
a defined point...like the accidental
point..another linear concept I always
enjoyed...the metaphysical spiritual
delve

and I like how you move from descripts
of no sun..is it night? is it day?
like the removal of female...male
like you wrote before...

positive negative
and its very brilliant
not..I Live!
I Die
I am born...and not
borne
existance and life
before up hi

full of cold light and the rumble of my mothers
screams

excellent...
I like the change
I think monochromatic
feeling emotion
black white

thou hast thinkest me much
upon this delve

and more amazing
our rain finally arrived
down to the ground

thank U!

lovedly

Wed, 2015-10-14 21:04

lovedly's picture

I love women
mostly as my teachers
they excel and pull me ...(well up) well
So I learn faster

Now coming to your poetry
I don't know whether I must thank
Esker first or you

I too had an imagination of raindrops
as petrichor
no less no more
as you said
you were born in heaven
only rain does so establish
and
as the drops fall flat
it's like spat .

I am happy as Esker
for the first time
explains it explicitly

His poetry is like clouds
(rain) wanting to burst
quench human thirst
and
then it will leave you in lurch
where have the clouds gone
you search
So is Esker one such..

you must know your audience
I too am one such................
but on Esker a patch
not much!

Rhiannon1010

Thu, 2015-10-15 00:08

Rhiannon1010's picture

Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much to me. You may not remember me, but you were my inspiration and guidance when i was going through a rough time. You made me feel so welcomed and helped me find my way. Thank you.

author comment

lovedly

Thu, 2015-10-15 12:30

lovedly's picture

but today it has
can u help me in the recall
I'll love to know after all
so many I help
as much as I can
u r special too
O RHIAN(non)

Rhiannon1010

Thu, 2015-10-15 13:27

Rhiannon1010's picture

Back in 2010 when you were loved, I was stuggleing with my identity and accepting myself. Your poems and kind words were a anchor of hope for me.

author comment

lovedly

Thu, 2015-10-15 13:50

lovedly's picture

having read some old ones of yours
hope you are erect
like the tower
of what of you
we all expect
and
now have no regret

as you steer the ship called DEStiny
though 'tis not tiny

May the sun's rays shower upon you
the dazzle you so deserve
may Almighty Empower you
with a mental GOOGLE too

may you be a Blessed Neopoet also
and take over as CEO
as time flows
we may be
may not be
by then who knows
but our memory will BLESS!
Amen

Esker

Wed, 2015-10-14 23:21

Esker's picture

2012 for that one....
someone tried to tell me about the "little lies the tolerance"
yes....intuition like radar...and even those devices in the old
days broke down...like the readers...Madame rosa sees mist
it is going....

yet intelligence is a challenge....
fog mist....its like music...just chilling
listening to Staind and Seether...
sharpening my instinct...waiting for the
black rain nites...the sleet...
the Annabelle Lee winds...
in the Lee of the wind..

...

Rhiannon1010

Thu, 2015-10-15 00:19

Rhiannon1010's picture

seether and staind are great bands but i live for shinedown

author comment

Esker

Thu, 2015-10-15 00:25

Esker's picture

sorry amy lee and your dark buddy...gotta boot you aside for a listen
to something new...as any rennaseance man might do...alchemy of
this old soul....there is nothing like some new input...

K...off I go...
over and out!

Esker

Thu, 2015-10-15 00:31

Esker's picture

dont worry ill be fine
the story is just beginning..

/Im on the frontline...

excellent..

gonna run up the "Alice" song..
loved it..named a radar site north Alice
and Resident Evil..the daughter hologram
was great...Like HAL from Kubriks masterpeice

now that I know..that I'm alive...

diamond eyes....love it!!
carbon atoms...purest of pure...

Rhiannon1010

Thu, 2015-10-15 00:34

Rhiannon1010's picture

they just came out with a new album. its a bit more pop rock but not bad if you are familiar with the band. i recommend their older works suck as 45 or The Sound Of Madness, or What A Shame or Call Me

author comment

Esker

Thu, 2015-10-15 00:42

Esker's picture

very eclectic and stolid....thank U..enjoying them ..
stones of course for their veitnam era.Gimme shelter now
a favorite.all lyrics...poetry...blues...all that hurt and pain
channeled into verse...the flow....the high and the low..

its raining out tonight again....spectrum...very high...
above the clouds..intuition...
thought so...

gonna post Diamond eyes for FB..kick my hometown
homies in the butt with that...

...

Esker

Thu, 2015-10-15 00:47

Esker's picture

because its so me...blues..forty five..love was a forty five...
been carrying my forty five so long I got a limp...great line...
will check out the other songs too..I like them...I heard Alice
before...I like the UK...Denmark Norway.Sweden...etc..
we actually do have a vinyl shop in our mall...speaking of
eclectic and odd and there are many people in there....
including old people..mingling with the new...music is eternal
gonna go have a listen...thank U...Rhiannon!

Esker

Thu, 2015-10-15 00:53

Esker's picture

Ive been out there for so long..
I know what I believe
its just gone numb

great band....great vocals..
something to believe in

angels...
there are............

weirdelf

Sun, 2017-04-02 17:24

weirdelf's picture
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That was heavy.
And yet so light and full off air.
What a wondrously powerful piece.
I've missed a lot of your work, haven't I?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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